IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Nowadays, many schools find it profitable to sell unhealthy food and sugary drinks to students during lunch breaks. Is this a positive or negative development?

#schools #food #drinks #students #lunch #breaks #development
Educational Institutions
Remove a space
apply
show examples
,
t
Add a space
apply
show examples
hese days have started a new business by introducing
Remove the space
apply
show examples
the concept of
c
Add an article
the
show examples
anteen which offers
Remove the space
apply
show examples
junk
food
Remove the space
apply
show examples
during
lunch time
Correct your spelling
lunchtime
show examples
 and attracts more and more students. In my opinion
Remove a space
apply
show examples
,
t
Add a space
apply
show examples
his is a negative development which can lead to
Remove the space
apply
show examples
serious health issues
such
 as obesity and create an impact on the overall eating habits of the children. One of the major issue related to eating
Remove the space
apply
show examples
in the
school
 canteen that
sell
Change the verb form
sells
show examples
food
Correct your spelling
foodstuffs
show examples
stuffs
Change the wording
stuff
kinds of stuff
pieces of stuff
show examples
 containing
Add an article
a
show examples
Remove the space
apply
show examples
lot of oil and fat which affects the physic of the students and
thus
Remove the space
apply
show examples
they become overweight at a very tender age which in turn
Remove the space
apply
show examples
leads to increase in the level of cholesterol in their
Remove the space
apply
show examples
body and
hence
 creates a higher risk
Remove the space
apply
show examples
of
h
Add an article
a
show examples
eart attack.
Moreover
Remove a space
apply
show examples
,
c
Add a space
apply
show examples
hildren are
Remove the space
apply
show examples
likely to feel restless during the
school
 hours which reduces the concentration level
Remove the space
apply
show examples
and
thus
 impacting their overall performance.
For instance
, cold drinks that
Remove the space
apply
show examples
are quite common among the children these days and has become a style quotient contains
e
Add an article
an
show examples
xcessive level of sugar which when consumed almost every day causes serious problems
such
 as diabetes etc.
Also
Remove a space
apply
show examples
,
t
Add a space
apply
show examples
hese drinks
destroys
Change the verb form
destroy
show examples
Remove the space
apply
show examples
bones present in
Remove the space
apply
show examples
the body as they tend to soften them over a period of time. Another issue is that due to regular consumption of unhealthy
food
 offered at
school
 premises impacts the overall eating habits of the children, and
therefore
 they avoid eating healthy
food
 even at home and keep on skipping their meals which leads to deterioration in their health and invites
l
Change the article
a
show examples
ot of issues
such
 as loss of memory power, energy etc
Remove a space
apply
show examples
. In
such
 situations
Remove a space
apply
show examples
,
p
Add a space
apply
show examples
arents become helpless as their children
does
Change the verb form
do
show examples
 not want to eat
food
 prepared at home as they find it tasteless and at the end
Add a comma
,
show examples
parents
Remove the space
apply
show examples
are forced to make
food
 which may not be healthy
Remove the space
apply
show examples
at all but they don't have any option
Remove the space
apply
show examples
have to listen to their children. In conclusion, it is the duty of the
school
 to create awareness among the children so that they can
Remove the space
apply
show examples
avoid consumption of unhealthy
food
 and eat a balanced diet
that is
 good for their physical and mental development
Remove a space
apply
show examples
,
this
 is possible
Remove the space
apply
show examples
only
Remove the space
apply
show examples
if these institutions stop making money at the cost of the health of the children.
Submitted by mehra.uttara on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: