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Band 4.5

The youth in many countries are unemployed and unskilled, while at the same time, the military services are in need of people. Compulsory military service is beneficial and necessary. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#youth #countries #time #services #people #service
In contemporary society, there are many
people
 who are not able to find a job,
while
 it is known that the army is facing a deficit of individuals in their services. In
this
 context, it is argued by some
people
 that military services should be mandatory. I strongly disagree with
this
 mindset. From my own standpoint,
people
 must have the choice to work where they believe is well suited for them.
Firstly
, one main concern about working for
military
Correct article usage
the military
show examples
 force is that some
people
 are
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 emotionally prepared for
this
 type of job,
once
Correct word choice
as
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 may need to face difficult situations.
For example
, they are
people
 who already lost their loved
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 in wars, and could not face
to work
Change the verb form
working
show examples
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 military for psychological matters.
Secondly
, another reason that
this
 type of service should not be compulsory is that every individual has the right to have free will.
Moreover
, it is unacceptable to live in a democratic country and to be prohibited
to follow
Change preposition
from following
show examples
 your dreams.
For instance
, if you are
unskilled
Correct article usage
an unskilled
show examples
workers
Fix the agreement mistake
worker
show examples
 now, you can study
end
Correct your spelling
and
show examples
 acquire experience in order to have a good job in the near future.
Last
 but not least, soldiers can be deployed to other countries and have to leave their families.
However
, families should always be united.
Conversely
,
this
 type of choice should be decided by all
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
 of the family and together decide what is best for all.
To sum up
, as I see it, despite the fact of being unemployed and
do have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 good qualifications and experience,
people
 should have the power to decide what they want to work.
Submitted by Nayara Rastelli on

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Task Response
Your essay shows a somewhat clear understanding of the topic and provides a response to the prompt. However, the argumentation could be more developed and the points could be more clearly aligned with the prompt.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is somewhat clear, but the introduction and conclusion could be more clearly defined. Additionally, the overall coherence and cohesion could be improved by using more linking words and organizing the ideas in a more structured manner.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Unemployed
  • Unskilled
  • Discipline
  • National pride
  • Civic duty
  • Enlistment
  • Conscription
  • Cohesive society
  • Civilian life
  • Government resources
  • Ethical concerns
  • Forced enlistment
  • Individual freedoms
  • Psychological effects
  • Personal beliefs
  • Societal tensions
  • Career disruption
  • National security
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