IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some say that when a person achieves success in their job, it means that he/she is selfish and doesn’t care about others. Do you agree or disagree?

It is argued that a person becomes self-centred after
getting
Verb problem
achieving
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triumph
Check wording
success
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 in his career
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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this
Linking Words
 leads to making him irresponsible towards others. I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 notion and will discuss my arguments with various examples.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, to be successful in life
one
Punctuation problem
, one
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 has to
do
Verb problem
make
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 sacrifices. They should be determined, hardworking and focused towards their ambition. And, to achieve the goal,
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
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 will only think about the ways to get there
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 in
this
Linking Words
phase
Punctuation problem
phase,
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 sometimes they have stayed to away from family and friends. They have to go to universities which will enhance their skills and step ahead.
Also
Linking Words
, these places provide them with placements in big companies.
For example
Linking Words
, many students migrate to other countries to get better jobs and to make a better living for their own and
for
Change preposition
apply
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their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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. They are working and helping their families back home financially.
In Addition
Linking Words
, one wants to be successful in
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 field, in order to help others. They want to have a status in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
For instance
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–
Punctuation problem
,
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 Ratan
Tata
Punctuation problem
Tata,
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 an Indian
Business Man
Use the right word
businessman
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, who is a very famous personality, runs many companies of his own. In order to provide employment to people, he has opened new companies in every sector like TATA Communications, transport, steel, textiles and so on.
Also
Linking Words
,
recently
Punctuation problem
recently,
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 he has donated a huge amount of his savings to
Indian
Correct article usage
the Indian
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 National Fund to help people in
this
Linking Words
 pandemic situation.
To sum up
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, I believe if a person wants to be
successful
Punctuation problem
successful,
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 he has to think for himself first and
then
Linking Words
 only he can make his family stable and fulfil the needs. And in
this
Linking Words
 process , one needs to
do
Verb problem
make
show examples
 sacrifices
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 people think it is selfish.

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coherence
Try to connect your ideas more clearly between paragraphs and use linking words to guide the reader.
task achievement
You provided a strong example with Ratan Tata, showing how success can benefit society.
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