IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that protecting the environment is the government’s responsibility. Others believe that every individual should take responsibility for it. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

While
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 some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that protecting the environment is the government's responsibility, others believe that individuals should take responsibility for it. I strongly believe that there is a shared responsibility. On one hand, the government should protect the environment by promulgating laws and rules that can effectively preserve our ecosystem. on the other
hands
Fix the agreement mistake
hand
show examples
,
people
Use synonyms
 should act to reduce their environmental impact when
is
Verb problem
apply
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possible.
Firstly
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, road traffic is one of the major causes of pollution inside cities,
thus
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 governments should act in order to reduce the amount of traffic in cities by creating new bicycle
path
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paths
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 and by expanding their public transport network. By doing
this
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, more
people
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 will choose to travel by bus or metro
instead
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that
Change preposition
of
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 moving with their cars.
Moreover
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, they should incentivise
the
Correct article usage
apply
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electric
car
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cars
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 as studies suggest that the problem of pollution inside cities could be solved.
For example
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, Oslo, in Norway by 2030 will be the first city in the world where no cars will be allowed on roads. That could improve air quality and could lead to a better lifestyle for citizens.
Secondly
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, it's noticeable how individuals and
people
Use synonyms
 are always more active
to protect
Change preposition
in protecting
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 our lands and oceans. Nowadays there are a huge number of international organizations that are concretely trying to tackle
this
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 problem. To cite an example, in recent years always more
people
Use synonyms
choose
Wrong verb form
have chosen
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 to join a group to clean the beaches and lands
from
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of
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 plastic and other pollutants. By doing
this
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, we could preserve our planet and try to reduce the unhealthy effects of pollution.
To sum up
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 , I believe that both governments and individuals need to pay more attention
regarding
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to
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this
Linking Words
 problem by doing research and developing new technologies as if we continue to pollute and destroy our ecosystem the consequences
would
Wrong verb form
will
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 be catastrophic.

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coherence and cohesion
Your introduction is clear, but you could better outline the separate views before stating your opinion. This gives a stronger opening.
coherence and cohesion
In your body paragraphs, make sure each idea is linked clearly to your main point. Also, try to use transition words to connect your thoughts.
task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or statistics to strengthen your arguments. This will make your points more persuasive and relevant.
task achievement
Your conclusion summarizes your ideas, but ensure it reflects your opinion more clearly and emphasizes the importance of shared responsibility.
task achievement
You have presented a balanced view by discussing both sides of the argument, which is good for task achievement.
task achievement
Your examples, like the case of Oslo, help to illustrate your points which is effective in supporting your argument.
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