IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The use of mobile phones in public areas is as antisocial as smoking. Smoking is banned in certain places, so mobile phones should be banned in the same way. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people argue that mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 in public areas are as antisocial as smoking. As smoking is banned in certain
places
Use synonyms
,
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
Linking Words
also smoking should
Correct word order
smoking should also
show examples
 be banned in the same way. I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement for several reasons. On one hand, nowadays smoking is one of the major causes of death, as it can be harmful both for
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 smoke and for the others that are close to a smoker.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, smoking is dangerous for the environment as smoker tends to throw cigarettes without properly disposing of them, and
this
Linking Words
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 in a more
pollute
Correct word choice
polluted
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 environment.
Moreover
Linking Words
, smoking could be dangerous for our ecosystems
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 there is a higher chance that something can catch on fire. To cite an example, recent studies suggest that 80% of fires take
Use synonyms
places
Fix the agreement mistake
place
show examples
 in parks and outdoor areas where smoking is allowed. On the other
hands
Fix the agreement mistake
hand
show examples
, mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 aren't harmful to the user and
for
Change preposition
to
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 the people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are near
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the user.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 studies show that these devices could have a negative effect on our health
in
Change preposition
over
show examples
 a long period of exposure. It would be advisable that mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 are banned in certain
places
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as schools, universities and offices. By doing
this
Linking Words
, students and workers could be more motivated to work and perform better compared to those who are using mobile
phones
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
Linking Words
such
Verb problem
performing such
show examples
 activities.
For instance
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, when I was a student, I decided to limit the usage of my cellphone during
exams
Fix the agreement mistake
exam
show examples
 periods as I could be more focused on my classes.
To sum up
Linking Words
, Governments should take severe measures to tackle
this
Linking Words
 problem. Mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 should be banned from certain activities and
places
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, we must educate our children to make the correct use of these devices.

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content
State your view clearly in one line at the start.
content
Add one idea per paragraph and keep it simple.
content
Give more clear reasons and use simple, real examples.
grammar
Check grammar: 'On the other hands' is wrong; use 'On the other hand' and keep 'smoking' consistent.
language
Use simple link words to show order, like first, next, also, but, for example.
language
Avoid long, hard words; use common, easy words.
strength
Clear stance is stated early.
strength
Some relevant ideas are given (ban in schools/offices).
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