IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many people are now spending more and more time travelling to work or school, some people believe that this has negative development while others think there are some benefits. Discuss both view and give your opinion

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It is true that
people
Use synonyms
 spend more
time
Use synonyms
 travelling to work or school than they did before. Despite some benefits of
this
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, I believe that it is a negative trend in the long run. On the one hand, there are a number of positive effects of a long
time
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 spent
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
commuting.The first one is that
people
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 have better accommodation,
more
Correct word choice
and more
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 spacious
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
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 when they live far from their workplace or institute. With the same amount of money, an inner-city apartment is often smaller and provides less access to nature compared to a house in the suburbs.
Therefore
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, those who live in the suburbs would have a quality of life. Another advantage is that more
people
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 travelling farther to work or school
mean
Correct subject-verb agreement
means
show examples
 less traffic congestion in urban areas. In developed countries,
such
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 as Japan and Australia, citizens often go to work or school by train because of the distance from their
home
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homes
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.
As a result
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 of
this
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, the number of private cars on the road dramatically decreases, which aids
to ease
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in easing
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 traffic gridlock in city centres.
On the other hand
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, I believe that more
time
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 spent on travelling is a negative trend. The first reason is that
people
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 have to wake up earlier in the morning and head back later at night, which means that they have less quality
time
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 to relax. They may have to start a day at 5AM to catch a train and come home at 9PM, which literally prevents them from relaxing and taking care of themselves.
Also
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, more
time
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 spent on commuting may cause fatigue and lower productivity. Employees tend to show up at their office and students are likely to attend class without
necessary
Correct article usage
the necessary
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 energy and vitality to yield good results and focus on lessons because they are too tired after a long trip.
Therefore
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, in the long run, they may have some health problems
due to
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 the fact that they have no free
time
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 to relax and rest. In conclusion,
while
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 there are certain benefits of living far from towns or city centres, I firmly believe that
overall
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 the drawbacks are more significant

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coherence and cohesion
Your argument is generally coherent, but some sentences could be clarified for better understanding. For example, in your first body paragraph, you might specify how living closer to nature enhances quality of life.
task achievement
Your use of examples is relevant, but try to make them clearer and more directly connected to your argument. For instance, explain how the decrease in traffic congestion specifically benefits individuals beyond just statistics.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your conclusion summarizes not just your opinion but also the main points you've discussed. This reinforces your argument and gives a clearer wrap-up to your essay.
task achievement
You provided a balanced discussion that considers both sides of the argument before stating your opinion. This adds depth to your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is structured well with clear paragraphs for each point, which aids readability and logical flow.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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