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Band 5

Some people believe that all students should be made to have an unpaid job in their free time. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #students #job #time
Volunteers are one of the major pillars of civil societies. They not only help to
upliftment
Replace the word
uplift
show examples
 the underprivileged sections but
also
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
help to take them to the mainstream of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
.
Thus
, I totally agree that pupils need to join various social groups to do volunteer jobs in their leisure time. To develop a progressive
society
, everyone has to play their part in
upliftment
Correct article usage
the upliftment
show examples
 of weaker sections and pupils can play the most important role in
this
 process; as they are the only
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 who can easily invest their leisure time. There are so many
activities
 which a student can perform
such
 as
educate
Wrong verb form
educating
show examples
 the children,
guide
Wrong verb form
guiding
show examples
 them about the government's welfare schemes and socially aware them
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their rights. These
activities
 will not only connect them socially but
also
 it will give them
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
inner peace and
sense
Correct article usage
a sense
show examples
 of self-satisfaction.
Moreover
, these
activities
also
 help them to build a moral character which is very much required to build a strong
society
as well as
 a nation.
In addition
 to
this
, these
activities
 will
also
 develop confidence in the pupils. They will learn
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
soft and interpersonal skills by interacting with different
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
;
as well as
 they will
also
 get
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
field experience.
Besides
this
, It will
also
 help them to burst their study stress by earning
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
extra marks in
extra curriculum
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
show examples
activities
. They
also
 can get recognition from the government in terms of monetary benefits.
Moreover
, there are many
NGO's
Change noun form
NGOs
show examples
 and social groups which can offer them paid jobs after the completion of their graduation.
For example
, a pupil can get the job to aware
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people about their rights if he or she has past experience in the same field.
To conclude
, a better
society
 needs volunteers to uplift their
weeker
Correct your spelling
weaker
show examples
 fractions.
This
 is the only way we can turn our beautiful world into heaven.
Submitted by inderjeetsinghsethi on

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task response
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents clear, comprehensive ideas. However, make sure to stick closely to the prompt and fully address all aspects of the question.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear logical structure with a good introduction and conclusion. Work on maintaining consistent and effective coherence and cohesion throughout the essay by using transitional phrases and linking words to connect your ideas.

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