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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that all students should study history as a major subject, while others feels that other subjects are important for children in today’s society. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
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 some individuals argue that
history
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 is a vital part of
education
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education,
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when
Correct word choice
while
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 others insist that studies like sciences and
technology
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 are most essential for children. Despite the fact, I agree that science and
technology
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 are fundamental, I
also
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 believe that
history
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 plays an equally vital role. On the one hand, I believe that
history
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 is one of the most crucial school
studies
Check wording
apply
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.
Firstly
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, every person needs to gain a wealth of knowledge about where they come from. It will be ridiculous if somebody is a successful scientist but
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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not
Rephrase
no
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 a single definition
about
Change preposition
of
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 his national historic events.
Secondly
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, learning
history
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 can positively improve
students
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students'
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 characteristics.
History
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 lessons make a big variety of moral lessons in gratefulness, patriotism and appreciation for what we have obtained.
For instance
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, having lectures about the Second World War
catalyzed
Use the right word
catalysed
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 my gratitude for my national historic figures
such
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 as Ivan Sereda and thousands of other heroes, who have done wonders of courage for
safety
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the safety
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 and peace of
Russian
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the Russian
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 people.
On the other hand
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, fundamental studies
such
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 as mathematics, physics, biology and others allow students to understand how the world is established.
According to
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Correct article usage
the briefly
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briefly developing
Replace the word
brief development
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science
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of science
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 and
technology
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people
Punctuation problem
, people
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 should be able to operate with the growing trend of technological advances. Our daily routine consists of many interactions with different types of technologies
and
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, and
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 it is hard to imagine life nowadays without them.
This
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 creates a great demand for highly qualified specialists who can deal with
a
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the
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 fast
tempo
Check wording
pace
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 of developing technologies. In light of these factors, I am convinced that
history
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, science and
technology
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 should be considered of balanced importance as all those subjects act as a precursor to fully develop every student.

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structure
Make sure your answer fully stays to the topic. Say both sides and give your clear view at the end. Plan your ideas in order.
cohesion
Link ideas with small words like also, but, however, so, next. This helps flow a lot.
grammar
Use simple and short sentence. Check long sentences and fix run on phrases.
content
Use real examples that fit the topic. Check dates and names to be clear.
content
The writing shows both sides and has a clear view.
structure
There is a plan and a paragraph for each idea.
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