Some people think women should be given equal chances to work and excel in their careers. Others believe that a women’s role should be limited to taking care of the house and children. Which opinion do you agree with and why? Include specific details and examples to support your choice

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It is argued by a few that females should have equal opportunities in the working field to prove their expertise in their profession, whereas others believe that their role is to look after their family and to do household chores. Undoubtedly, women should get equal options because they are capable of multi-tasking, and they can add additional income to the family. Women’s empowerment is incomparable with any other resources as they can perform multiple
work
Change to a plural noun
works

The singular countable noun work follows the quantifier multiple, which requires a plural noun. Consider using a plural noun or a different quantifier.

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at a time more effectively and efficiently. Nowadays, many women are working and
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

taking care of their family. Since
,
Remove the comma
apply

It appears that you have an unnecessary comma after the subordinating conjunction Since. Consider removing the comma.

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they are well-known for handling situations in a better way, they are capable of competing equally for their career.
Moreover
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, they have
h
Add an article
a

The noun phrase high threshold seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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igh threshold to withstand pressures in life, which is an important criterion in
w
Add an article
the

The noun phrase workplace seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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orkplace.
For instance
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, a survey conducted by New York times came up with the conclusion that 60% of working women are efficiently shining at
work place
Correct your spelling
workplace

The word work place seems to be miswritten. Consider replacing it.

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and
also
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

in
f
Add an article
the

The noun phrase family seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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amily.
In addition
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

to
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, women can
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

be a breadwinner of the family, through their additional income they can be independent and self-reliant.
Also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, with their earning they can bring many changes in their children’s life as well as in their family. They can be as a pillar to share the burden in their house, which may provide a peaceful environment in the family, that would in turn makes the children
to
Change the verb form
apply

It appears that the verb to concentrate should be in the bare infinitive form. Consider removing to from in front of this verb.

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concentrate more on studies.
For example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, an article published in the Hindu magazine stated that houses with working women are more stable and leading an improved lifestyle. In conclusion, it is important that women should get equal options to achieve more in their profession as they are experts in performing multi-tasks without any distractions, and
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

their income will enhance the lifestyle of the family.

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Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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