IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many working people get little or not exercise during the work day, and have health problems as a result. Why do so many people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.　　(at least 250 words) 40 minute

#people #exercise #work #health #minute
Exercising is one of the most important things for humans to stay healthy.
On the other hand
, many working
people
 do not
exercise
 enough and
this
 is a large issue. In the following paragraphs, I will argue the causes of insufficient
exercise
 by working
people
 and what can be the solution.
Firstly
, one reason might be the way they
work
. These days,
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
people
work
 in blue-collar jobs and more
people
work
 in white-collar jobs.
As a result
, many
people
 sit in front of computers for
almost
Add an article
the almost
show examples
whole
Add an article
the whole
show examples
time
 of their job.
Secondly
, the other reason might be that working
people
 do not have
time
 to
exercise
. As they have fewer energy compared with young
people
, they will get tired by doing their jobs;
therefore
,
people
are not afford
Change the verb form
do not afford
show examples
 to
exercise
 after
working
Change the form of the verb
work
show examples
.
Furthermore
, even if they have extra energy, they are busy with having dinner with co-workers or spending
time
 with hobbies
thus
 the situation will not change
any way
Replace the word
anyway
show examples
. My cousin,
for example
, she belonged to the tennis team
in
Verify preposition usage
at
show examples
 the university so she exercised
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
.
However
, when she started to
work
, there was no energy left after the tiring job but
also
 no
time
 to
exercise
 because her boss always invited her to dinner in order to talk about her job performance.
Lastly
, the way to resolve
this
 situation may be to include
exercise
time
 in their
work
. If
people
 are forced to
exercise
, they cannot refuse to do even they are tired or they want to spend
time
for
Verify preposition usage
on
show examples
 other things.
Submitted by dokmally2 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: