IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people argue that arts, such as paintings and music, are a waste of money and the government should spend this money on other public services. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #arts #paintings #music #waste #money #government #services
It is often said that spending funds on art activities like musical events or drawings is a waste of that money and the state ought to spend those funds on services that are more beneficial for the people.
This
 essay completely agrees with
this
 statement because
education
 and
health
 are the basic necessities of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 and the government should increase the amount of
education
 and
health
 budget.
Education
 is the primary thing that human beings need.
This
 is to say that the major difference between the developed world and the developing world is their
education
 system. In the
west
Capitalize word
West
show examples
education
 in
schools
 is free and they get the best facilities in their
schools
 that one needs to achieve their career goals.
However
, in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
developing ,countries there is no proper public schooling system and people have to send their kids to private
schools
 that charge a huge sum of money.
For example
, in Karachi, which is the largest city
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 Pakistan, almost 80 per cent
children
Change preposition
of children
show examples
 go to private
schools
 and
schools
 charge from 8000 to 40000 per
children
Fix the agreement mistake
child
show examples
 which is quite a huge amount considering the pay their parents get in their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
. The other thing that the government should focus on is the
health
 service. Most of the public hospitals do not have the fundamental
machine
Fix the agreement mistake
machines
show examples
 that a hospital should have in the underdeveloped world.
For instance
, a recent article
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the Jang newspaper revealed that
70percent
Correct your spelling
70 per cent
hospitals
Change preposition
of hospitals
show examples
 in Sindh, which is a province in Pakistan, do not have operation
theatre
Fix the agreement mistake
theatres
show examples
 and basic machines that are needed to do any simple operation. In conclusion, some people argue that the government should cut
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the budget that they are giving to artists to perform music or
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
other artwork and that money
needed
Add a missing verb
is needed
show examples
 to
spend
Wrong verb form
be spent
show examples
 on other sectors, I agree with
this
 opinion because
health
 and
education
 are more important arts.
Submitted by saifuddin.abdulrehman on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Overall, the essay provides a clear response to the prompt and presents a well-supported argument. Make sure to link your ideas more cohesively throughout the essay to enhance the overall structure.
task achievement
The introduction is clear in presenting your viewpoint, but the conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the main points and reinforcing your opinion. Ensure that each paragraph supports your main argument effectively for better task achievement.
task response
The essay effectively argues in favor of redirecting funds from art activities to essential public services like education and health.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: