IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

People are consuming more and more sugar-based drinks. Why? What can be done to reduce sugary drink consumption.

Presently, the
consumption
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 of sugar-based
drinks
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such
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 as Coca-Cola, Pepsi, and Sprite has drastically increased worldwide. There are several reasons for
this
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 trend, and some solutions to reduce the
consumption
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 of these
drinks
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, which will be outlined below. On the one hand, increased advertising on social media, television channels, and in urban areas encourages
people
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 to see these ads more frequently, sparking their interest in trying the products.
For instance
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, Pepsi hires famous actors, athletes, and singers to promote their
drinks
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, attracting a large audience and persuading them to buy the product.
Additionally
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, the sweet artificial
flavors
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flavours
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 in these
drinks
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 can be addictive. The chemicals in soft
drinks
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 create a sensation of refreshment and relaxation.
Moreover
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, the high sugar content spikes glucose levels, temporarily energizing the body and making individuals feel more active and less stressed.
On the other hand
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, government action could significantly reduce sugary drink
consumption
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. Implementing higher taxes on these beverages could make them more expensive, discouraging
people
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 from purchasing them regularly. When prices rise,
consumption
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 tends to decrease sharply.
Furthermore
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, educational programs that inform citizens about the potential health risks,
such
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 as liver failure, obesity, and cancer, could encourage
people
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 to quit sugary
drinks
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 altogether. Personally, I had a friend who was addicted to Coca-Cola, and sadly, he developed severe cancer
as a result
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.
Additionally
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, the government could remove vending machines that offer sugary
drinks
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 and promote traditional fruit juice shops, giving
people
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 healthier alternatives. In conclusion, the combination of artificial ingredients and aggressive marketing leads to higher
consumption
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 of unhealthy sugary
drinks
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.
However
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, with government interventions,
such
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 as higher taxes, the removal of vending machines, and educational campaigns, the
consumption
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 of these
drinks
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 can be significantly reduced.

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task achievement
Consider adding one or two more specific examples or case studies to further illustrate points, such as from research or studies on sugary drink consumption.
coherence cohesion
Connecting each paragraph with transitional phrases can help the essay flow more smoothly (e.g., using 'Moreover,' 'Additionally,' or 'Furthermore').
introduction conclusion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly defined and appropriately summarize the main points discussed.
task achievement
Relevant specific examples are used to emphasize the points made, such as the mention of personal experiences and well-known brands.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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