IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe the media should be allowed to publish private information about people, while others are against it. Discuss both views and give your own opinion and relevant examples.

#people #media #information
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These days, the personal lives of celebrities are being published
in
Change preposition
to
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 the public by
the
Correct article usage
apply
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media
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 houses,
it
Correct word choice
and it
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 is debatable whether
Use synonyms
media
Correct article usage
the media
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 should be permitted to do so or not . I believe that a famous person from any field should have the right to maintain privacy about a certain thing, but any
information
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 that can
aware
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be aware
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or
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of or
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 benefit society should be shared. On the one side, famous
people
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 are role models
of
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for
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 many individuals, so their fans want to know everything about them. Many
people
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 today consider film stars and sportspersons as their ideals, and they want to become like them. The
information
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 published by websites or
news
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 channels can really help the followers to keep up with the latest fashion trends, health advice, diet or routine
which
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that
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 these stars are following.
Besides
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, the public only gets a chance to see their role models when they perform, but
news
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 and articles about them can inform widely about their nature and personality. On the other side, the publishment of private
information
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 can disturb the career of a person. Some
people
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 want to keep
information
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such
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 as whom they are dating, their breakups or getting married private, but the publishment of
news
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 like breakups can ruin
the
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their
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 career .
For instance
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, a famous Bollywood actress Rajshree was loved because of her pair with another star, but after the
news
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 about their breakup, she got so much hate and did not get good work after that. I believe that only the
information
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 that can benefit humanity should be published. Their stories of struggle, the problems they faced, or the support of their family which helped them reach
this
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 position can inspire others and
thus
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 should be shared.
However
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, if anyone wants to keep the marital status or particular data
that is
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 not beneficial to anyone should be ignored by the
media
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. In conclusion, everyone has the right to maintain privacy, so the
media
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 should only be allowed to publish educational or inspirational knowledge related to the personal lives of
people
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.
Submitted by kaursukhveer776 on

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task achievement
While addressing both views, make sure to balance them equally. Currently, the argument against publishing private information could be elaborated further.
task achievement
Try to maintain consistency and clarity in your argument. Some parts, especially when providing examples, can be streamlined to ensure the main point is not lost.
coherence cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences to introduce new ideas or paragraphs. This will help the reader follow the progression of your argument more easily.
task achievement
The essay presents both views on the topic effectively, providing a thoughtful discussion from multiple perspectives.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your position and offers a clear opinion, aligning with the arguments presented.
task achievement
Using real-world examples helps in illustrating your points and makes the argument more relatable and engaging.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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