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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

History tells that people have often thought about creating an ideal society, but most of the times fail in making this happen. What is your opinion about an ideal society? How can we create an ideal society?

Every human being
desire
Wrong verb form
desires
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 to build and be a part of an ideal
society
Use synonyms
.
Although
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 many times in the past people have
fascinated
Add a missing verb
been fascinated
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 by constructing
such
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 a community, often they have not succeeded in creating
one
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss what makes a well-ordered community and how can we create
one
Use synonyms
. An ideal community should be
the
Correct article usage
apply
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one
Use synonyms
 where the human being can dwell with complete peace and harmony.
This
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 civilisation is free from any discrimination against caste, race, colour or religion of people living there.
For instance
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, civilians residing in
such
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 a
society
Use synonyms
 will develop a sense of fairness and justice. To give an example from Indian history, during the rule of Emperor Akbar, his
subject
Fix the agreement mistake
subjects
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 dwelled in total harmony and fairness as the Emperor would not tolerate any inequality against
anything
Correct pronoun usage
them
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. For these reasons, I believe an ideal
society
Use synonyms
 is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
one
Use synonyms
 that provides equal opportunities to every person irrespective of what
democratic
Replace the word
democracy
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 they belong to. There are certain ways in which building
such
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 a
society
Use synonyms
 can be possible.
Firstly
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, every human being should learn the values of equality and must treat every other living being with respect and kindness.
Secondly
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, they must elect political leaders who share the same view for their countries as
this
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 will help the government to intervene and keep a check if any imbalance is observed in
society
Use synonyms
.
For example
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, the US has elected Joe Biden as their president who believes in equality which gives a sense of pride among citizens and encourages them to inculcate and spread these values.
To sum up
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, creating a perfect
society
Use synonyms
 can be a very challenging mission as it is difficult to instil complete peace and harmony.
However
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, it is not entirely impossible. By drilling these values into all humans and with the help of government, we can ultimately contribute to making an ideal
society
Use synonyms
 for the betterment of people.

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task response
Your essay effectively addresses the topic and provides clear ideas about an ideal society. Ensure that your main points are well supported with evidence and connect logically to each other.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, creating a well-structured essay. Work on improving the connections between your supporting points to enhance coherence and cohesion.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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