The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices is harmful to individuals and to the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The advance of entertainment
such
as
video
games
on handheld devices is harmful to the recent generation and society living in nowadays. It is indisputable that there are
many
Replace the quantifier
much
show examples
news about the negative impacts of
video
games
, particularly in the
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
and lifestyles of the city-dwellers. I believe that there are many different aspects
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
handheld
video
games
. According to
this
point of view, many
people
concern that
video
games
might be easily addicted
by
Verify preposition usage
to
show examples
children and young adult.
For example
, the students or the workers
ahould
Correct your spelling
should
pay attention
on
Change the preposition
to
show examples
their study or their work but they might spend most of the time on handheld
video
games
instread
Correct your spelling
instead
because
this
Change the determiner
these
show examples
devices are portable and convenient.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
, sometimes
this
device can harm
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
if they have no limit to plays
such
as playing while driving or crossing the roads.
On the other hand
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
entertainment can
provided
Change the verb form
provide
show examples
happiness to many
people
as well. According to various
researchs
Correct your spelling
research
researches
show that
games
can reduce stress in
people
who work overloaded
also
improve the cognitive in young children; thereby handheld
video
games
might be a good
options
Correct the article-noun agreement
option
show examples
for
people
who want to play
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
outdoors.
For example
, the
available
Replace the word
availability
show examples
of handheld
games
can encourage
childern
Correct your spelling
children
to go out with their families rather than distract themselves from
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
family events and make sure that they will not bored.
Other
Change the wording
Another
show examples
benefit is
video
game do not
required
Change the verb form
require
show examples
any internet signals so you can play in
offline
Add an article
an offline
show examples
mode
such
as when you are on
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
plane. In conclusion, there are various pros and cons of handheld videogames. I believe that it depends on the situations and conditions that how well
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the management ways to deal with
this
Change the determiner
these
show examples
entertainment devices.
Submitted by noppapat_k on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: