IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectancy is increasing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#consequences #care #people #life #expectancy #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
A
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 agree that promoting medical care can let most of
usa's
Correct your spelling
USA's
us's
life
Use synonyms
 become long-lasting.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both
view points
Correct your spelling
viewpoints
show examples
, whether it is positive or negative to let
people
Use synonyms
 live longer, and my personal opinion. A
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 believe that there are more benefits, and I agree with them too.
Firstly
Linking Words
, I agree that productivity will increase,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 means more output per hour because of a vast
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
. From lots of young
people
Use synonyms
 that have
strength
Add an article
the strength
show examples
 to
work
Use synonyms
 and the enthusiasm to learn something new, Even though you might consider of
elderlys
Correct your spelling
elderly
, some of them have lots of experience and knowledge if doing certain jobs. The reason is that they have more time doing these
work
Use synonyms
 than some young
people
Use synonyms
 do.
The discrimination
Correct article usage
Discrimination
show examples
 is called ageism and I can see that in some workplaces, but all of those came from a fixed mindset of a large
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
. I personally think that more and more
people
Use synonyms
 should combat ageism and create a healthy workplace
instead
Linking Words
.
Elderlys
Correct your spelling
Elderly
Elders
 do not have to learn something new as it is
also
Linking Words
 hard to be
Correct your spelling
reached
teached
Correct your spelling
taught
show examples
, but they can continue to do the job they did for a long time.
Also
Linking Words
, there are different kinds of jobs, they do not have to only gather in one area and
work
Use synonyms
 together. It is
also
Linking Words
 not fair to abandon them for doing
work
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because some of them have the zest and passion of it and they can actually achieve a great job. There are always possibilities so I still stick with my point.
However
Linking Words
, there are still
people
Use synonyms
 who disagree with
this
Linking Words
 argument. If there are more and more
people
Use synonyms
 living longer, it might cause a problem called overpopulation, which is associated with negative environmental and economic outcomes which are from the impacts of deforestation, climate change, water pollution… As our planet earth has a limit to provide us needs or even wants, they only produce a certain amount of raw materials each year, which will not make everyone on the planet satisfied. If there is another increase in population, it will be worse, and that
also
Linking Words
 links to poverty, which is the main factor that will be caused after.
Moreover
Linking Words
, a
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 are quite pessimistic, and if they have a choice to live or die, they would want to choose the negative one. Not everyone is positive and optimistic about
life
Use synonyms
 and we all understand.
That is
Linking Words
 why they would prefer not to live longer, as
life
Use synonyms
 for them is an ordeal or a long-term battling. In conclusion, I strongly agree that it will be better if
people
Use synonyms
 live longer, there are more benefits and drawbacks for me and I am sure there are more
people
Use synonyms
 who love
life
Use synonyms
 than some
people
Use synonyms
 who will not.
Life
Use synonyms
 is an unexpected journey, and there are always barriers and
that is
Linking Words
 what makes you a better person.
Submitted by just a random post on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • elderly population
  • health care systems
  • pension funds
  • extended family relationships
  • quality of life
  • aging population
  • economic growth
  • volunteer work
  • expertise
  • financial planning
  • retirement
  • age-related diseases
  • medical research
  • healthier lifestyles
What to do next:
Look at other essays: