IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many people think that the behavior of professional sportsmen off the field is not important as long as they are good players. To what extent do you agree or disagree with it?

#people #behavior #sportsmen #field #players
Some
people
 opine that
sportsmen
's
behaviour
 outside the playground is not crucial until they are performing good in games. I strongly disagree with
this
 notion because
people
 follow them and in the near, future their personal
behaviour
 will affect their professional
behaviour
 too.
Firstly
,
sportsmen
 are public figures and idols for a number of
people
. Their followers copy their habits. They inculcate these in their daily life. They try to copy their lifestyles. If their attitude is bad in their personal lives,
people
 will
adapt
Correct your spelling
adopt
show examples
this
Change preposition
to this
show examples
 too. The general public adapting wrong
behaviour
 is detrimental
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the growth of the nations.
This
 will be better if they behave well outside the ground too so
people
 will imbibe positive things.
For example
, a recent survey conducted stated that most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 copy their favourite
sportsmen
 especially the young population.
Therefore
, their
behaviour
 everywhere impacts at an enormous rate.
Secondly
, their
behaviour
 outside the playgrounds will
impact
 their performance
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the grounds and games in the near future. The reason behind is
this
 if they consume excessive
alcohcal
Correct your spelling
alcohol
 and drugs
this
 will put a detrimental effect. Their stamina will gradually decrease and their health can
also
 deteriorate. In
such
case
Correct article usage
a case
show examples
,
this
 will
impact
 their performance.
Further
, if they are into regular fights and ill
behaviour
 with others.
This
 will
impact
 their mental health.
This
 will lead to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of concentration which is vital for playing any sports.
For example
, a recent article printed in an English newspaper stated that
sportsmen
 who were consuming drug excessively lately fail in their career.
Hence
, their
behaviour
 may not be impacting presently but
this
 will definitely affect
in
Correct pronoun usage
them in
show examples
 the future. In the conclusion,
sportsmen
 are followed by
general
Add an article
the general
show examples
 public, their
behaviour
impact
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a huge amount. I believe they should behave well in personal lives too because
people
 imbibe their
behaviour
 and their
behaviour
 will
impact
 their career too.
Submitted by Priya on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: