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Band 6

Rates of diabetes and obesity are increasing in many countries around the world. Some people think that governments should ban soft drinks and sugary snacks from schools. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

#rates #diabetes #obesity #countries #world #people #governments #ban #drinks #snacks #schools
Nowadays, many people who suffer from diabetes and
obesity
 throughout the world are increasing. Others believe that the
government
 should ban sugar snacks from schools. I totally disagree with
this
 notion, for two
reason
Change to a plural noun
reasons
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. The children who
ages
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age
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 0-25 are not prone to
obesity
 since they are more active at school,
however
, elderly people are the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 who
eat
Change the verb form
eats
show examples
 more and
excert
Correct your spelling
exert
effort less
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effortless
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 due to busy work.
To begin
 with, children
are regularly involve
Change the verb form
are regularly involved
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 in many activities at school.
For instance
 sports, they are more active during the day and move more frequently,
therefore
 they are not prone to
these health-related disease
Change the determiner
this health-related disease
these health-related diseases
show examples
 because the fats and sugar they take
are being tackle
Change the verb form
are being tackled
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 by the active movements that they will produce sweat. The
government
 should not ban
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sugary snacks in every institution.
Secondly
, adults are more prone to diabetes and
obesity
 due to lack of movements during the day and busy
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
work.
For example
, the call
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 agent who just sit 8 hours a day and do not have enough time to get proper
food
 but
instead
 turning to fast
food
 and instant
food
 in many stores today. They are the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 that the
government
 should take actions and discipline
not
Add the comma(s)
,not
show examples
 the schools
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 the teachers can educate the kids but have the freedom to choose what they want to eat. In conclusion, though
obesity
 and diabetes are
raising
Correct your spelling
rising
show examples
 in
Correct your spelling
today's
todays
Change to a genitive case
today's
show examples
 generation, the
government
 should not ban
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sugary
food
 in schools because kids are more active and they are not the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 who
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 prone to these health-related diseases but the adults.
Submitted by abaloraemie on

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Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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