IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair.They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree ? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement ? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #retirement #age #e #g #years #everybody #occupation #workers #pension #benefit
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Retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 is given usually to those people who are in old
age
Use synonyms
 regardless of their career,
is
Correct pronoun usage
which is
show examples
 unfair, others believe that many
workers
Use synonyms
 have the rights and will have benefits
a
Change preposition
of a
show examples
 pension
in
Change preposition
at in
show examples
 early
age
Use synonyms
. I agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
this
Linking Words
 notion, most of the
workers
Use synonyms
 like, military
personel
Correct your spelling
personnel
 and construction
workers
Use synonyms
 need to
exerts
Change the verb
exert
show examples
 much
strength
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, soldiers need
active
Correct article usage
an active
show examples
 body and be fast in every way. If they gonna retire
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the
age
Use synonyms
 required it is unfair for them.
For instance
Linking Words
, a military
personel
Correct your spelling
personnel
 who serve and gone to many wars wanted to retire early because he was traumatised by his experience and got so many
injury
Change to a plural noun
injuries
show examples
 in wars. He has the right to make that choice not to wait until he will become an old man, he
deserve
Change the verb form
deserves
show examples
 to receive
pension
Add an article
a pension
the pension
show examples
 and early
retirement
Use synonyms
 since he already
serve
Change the verb form
serves
show examples
 the country.
Secondly
Linking Words
, construction
workers
Use synonyms
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
strength
Use synonyms
 in their
work
Use synonyms
. They are handling and carrying heavy objects as their
job
Use synonyms
 demand.
For example
Linking Words
, a man who
work
Use synonyms
 for a long period of time in his career and he getting old
he
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
needs to be rested.
Therefore
Linking Words
, as a worker in
Use synonyms
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
 early
retirement
Use synonyms
 is applicable since
this
Linking Words
work
Use synonyms
 needs
strength
Use synonyms
 and good condition of body for you to be able to do your
job
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, at
age
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 of 65
Use synonyms
retirement
Change to a plural noun
retirements
show examples
 is fine if you
work
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 as librarian officer who just sit and talk to other people,
however
Linking Words
,
those
Change the determiner
that job
those jobs
show examples
job
Use synonyms
 that needs extra
strength
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 like soldier and construction worker
have
Add the particle
to have
show examples
 the rights to retire in an early
age
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 and receive benefits according to their
job
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by abaloraemie on

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