IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many animal species in the world are becoming extinct nowadays. Some people say that countries and individuals should protect these animals from dying out, while others say we should concentrate more on problems of human beings. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#species #world #people #countries #individuals #animals #beings
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Recently, some wild
animals
Change noun form
animals'
show examples
closed
Replace the word
close
show examples
extinction
Change preposition
to extinction
show examples
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 reported by
media
Correct article usage
the media
show examples
 frequently. It is being argued by some people that the protection of wildlife should
superior
Add a missing verb
be superior
show examples
 to addressing problems of humanity. I strongly believe that issues of both
animals
 and
humans
 can be solved concurrently. In
this
 essay, why to address
this
 problem of
animals
 and mankind will be discussed.
To begin
 with,
animals
 play a crucial role in the
eco-system
Correct your spelling
ecosystem
show examples
 that should be balanced normally. If
animals
 extinct, the
eco-system
Correct your spelling
ecosystem
show examples
 will be imbalanced.
Consequently
, a series of predictable events may be triggered, which eventually influence
humans
 to thrive as we live with other creatures on the same planet.
For instance
, if the species of snow panther who is a kind of top position in the food chain
near
Add a missing verb
is near
show examples
 extinction, other species
such
 as blue sheep and other
animals
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
involved in the food chain will over-breed and over-pasture, which definitely pose a threat to the grassland and the headwater of rivers.
As a result
, countries and many people will be threatened by drought and lack of potable water.
Additionally
, many problems of humanity that need to be addressed urgently are time-consuming and costly, which should be
concerned
Verb problem
considered
show examples
 by countries and individuals.
However
, some issues of human beings can not get away from
animals
.
For example
, the COVID-19 pandemic
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 has been killing a huge number of
humans
links
Wrong verb form
is linked
show examples
 to wild
bat
Fix the agreement mistake
bats
show examples
possibly
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
Hence
, we should hold a holistic view, and conduct a series of
analysis
Fix the agreement mistake
analyses
show examples
for getting
Change preposition
to get
show examples
a deep understanding of the relationship between mankind and our neighbours. In summary, in my opinion, there is not an incompatible reason that the animal’s issues could not be attended alongside
humans
.
Submitted by henrybeee on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response
The introduction and conclusion provide sufficient information; however, the logical structure could be improved for better flow of ideas. Try to address the prompt more directly and provide a more comprehensive analysis of the views presented. Specific examples are relevant, but try to develop them further for a more comprehensive response.
Coherence and Cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is generally clear, but there are some issues with the flow of ideas and the development of arguments. Work on connecting your ideas more coherently and providing a stronger link between the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • biodiversity
  • cascading effects
  • economic impacts
  • ecosystem
  • endangered species
  • environmental conservation
  • human welfare
  • moral duty
  • preserve
  • sustainable practices
  • habitats
  • interconnected
  • extinction
  • advocates
  • opponents
  • priority
What to do next:
Look at other essays: