Some people think that governments should give financial support to artists ,musicians and poets. Others think that it is a waste of money Discuss both views and give your opinion

In the temporary world,
people
who work in the art industry need
investment
in order to develop. While many
people
believe that the government should
support
these
people
financially, I personally think that
instead
of helping artist musician and poets, there are a lot of problems that need the government's
investment
. Given the financial
support
to those who work in the
artindustry
Correct your spelling
industry
art industry

The word artindustry is not in our dictionary. If you’re sure this spelling is correct, you can add it to your personal dictionary to prevent future alerts.

is essential to develop
this
industry. Tourism attracts an enormous of tourists every year and culture and art plays a vital role.
Therefore
financial
support
could be the best motivation for those
people
in order to improve and enhance their ability.
Moreover
, if the art industry develops significantly children who dream of being an artist can overcome the barriers from their parents and society. ,
However
Add a comma
,However

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase However. Consider adding a comma.

show examples
it is indisputable that the money supporting those
people
is wasteful because there
is
Change the verb form
are

The singular verb form is does not seem to agree with the plural subject some social problems that need an investment more than, such as poverty. Consider changing the verb form.

show examples
some social problems that need
an
Remove the article
apply

The indefinite article, an, may be redundant when used with the uncountable noun investment in your sentence. Consider removing it.

show examples
investment
more than,
such
as poverty. Some countries especially develop
one's
Correct pronoun usage
ones's

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

show examples
has to face with high poverty rate which could lead to a social gap or national debt. Let's take
CY
Add an article
the CY

It appears that an article is missing before the word CY. Consider adding the article.

show examples
country with the highest homeless and unemployed rate as an example. While there is a huge number of countries want to invest in a Heritage site, the authority wants to use the money for supporting fund which helps the poor can overcome and make a living to improve their standard. As a ,result the poverty rate declined sharply.
Furthermore
, financial
support
could be given to those who are talented in other fields so that the country could change positively. While it is indisputable that musicians, artists and poets need a fund to
support
them, I still believe that there are more things that
also
need the authority's
investment
.
Submitted by phuonglan030301 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Check your IELTS essays
Writing9 scans your text for all types of mistakes, from typos to sentence structure problems and beyond.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Read more in the eBook

The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »

* free ebook for Premium users

What to do next:
Look at other essays:
Need a higher score on IELTS Writing?
Get 60% discount and enjoy a quick and easy way to check IELTS Writing Task 1&2!