IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that teenagers should work part-time and earn money. This way they will learn basic lessons about work and become more disciplined. Others argue that teenagers shouldn't sacrifice their rest and after-school activities to work. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #teenagers #work #money #lessons #shouldn #sacrifice #rest #activities
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is a popular belief that adolescents who
work
Use synonyms
 post to their study
time
Use synonyms
 tend to be more productive once they take up a new role after studies,
however
Linking Words
, there are
also
Linking Words
 people who believe that rest is the most important part of the after-
school
Use synonyms
 activities. I feel that part-
time
Use synonyms
 jobs after
school
Use synonyms
 plays a major role in the development of a student. Students who take up
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 jobs are able to apply what they have learned in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
Use synonyms
.
As a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
,result
show examples
this
Linking Words
 helps in
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 understanding of the concepts taught. For an instance, a student who attended a computer science class, and working as a library assistant can easily relate how the concepts of computer science classes can help in designing a library management software. Another benefit of working during the after
school
Use synonyms
 hours is that it helps in managing stress. As these students are already exposed to
real life
Add a hyphen
real-life
show examples
 scenarios at
work
Use synonyms
, they have already gained a lot of experience in dealing
and
Change preposition
with and
show examples
 handling stressful situations. For
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
example, a teenager who works in
restaurant
Add an article
the restaurant
a restaurant
show examples
 will already have experience in handling multiple customer queries and finding suitable solutions.
Although
Linking Words
 there are benefits of working, there are
also
Linking Words
 disadvantages to these. A more common disadvantage is the lack of quality
time
Use synonyms
 with family. Due to the hectic schedule at
school
Use synonyms
 and
work
Use synonyms
, it will be tremendously difficult to find
time
Use synonyms
 for family and friends.
This
Linking Words
 can gradually lead to
decline
Add an article
a decline
show examples
 in the quality of mental health. As an example, an adolescent studying at
school
Use synonyms
 has to report for duty as soon as the classes are over and can have
work
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
 extended to late nights, it will be very difficult for him to share his feelings once he reaches home, as he will be exhausted by
then
Linking Words
.
This
Linking Words
 can slowly
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
 the strength of the relationships with family and can even compel
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
show examples
 lead a lonely life. The benefits of working after
school
Use synonyms
 hours have various benefits and
which
Delete the pronoun
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
 outcome its drawbacks.
Hence
Linking Words
, teenagers should choose to
work
Use synonyms
 during their free times,
however
Linking Words
 keeping in mind that they maintain a balance between studies,
work
Use synonyms
 and life.
Submitted by Hisham Musthafa on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: