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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people think that the government should have the responsibility. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #people #government #responsibility
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It is a fact that in some countries a growing number of offspring are suffering from corpulence and various health issue, which is believed to be the authorities' liability. Personally , I partly agree with
this
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 point of view. On the one hand , governments are to blame for the increasing rate of obesity
childhood
Change preposition
in childhood
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.
Firstly
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, the authorities seem not to pay considerable attention to build open space for children’s outdoor activities.
As a result
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 ,
Instead
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 of actively taking part in sports kids have a tendency to live a sedentary lifestyle .
Besides
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 that, the country’ leadership have take the responsibility for the widespread appearance of unhealthy food advertisements on TV and other social media channels. They should require these ads with
eye – catching
Add a hyphen
eye-catching
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 images to be restricted or pay more extra in order to reduce the amount of
overweightness
Correct your spelling
overweighted
 in children and other diseases.
On the other hand
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 ,
parents
Use synonyms
 are
also
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 responsible for
this
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 phenomenon. As
parents
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 are often busy with their work , they have little time to take control of their children ‘ s diet. Meanwhile , a healthy nutritional balanced diet is
of
Change preposition
apply
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necessary for every kid to ensure the well – being of people .
Additionally
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, offspring’s today are living under a lot of pressure which dramatically affect their physical and mental development as well as cause heart diseases and
other issue
Change the wording
another issue
other issues
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.
Therefore
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 ,
parents
Use synonyms
 have the duty to take mỏe notice of their kids as well as spend more time with them In conclusion , I believe that not only governments but
also
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parents
Use synonyms
 have to lend a hand to curb the obesity epidemic.
Submitted by Dương Nguyễn on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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