IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Computers are being used more in education. Some people say that is a positive trend, while others argue that it is leading to negative consequences. Discuss both sides of the argument and give your own opinion.

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Increasing demand for technology in the 21st century plays a crucial role
to minimize
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in minimizing
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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manpower as computers are now part of each individual whether junior or senior residents;
however
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, some think of the repercussions of the usage of
such
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 things as it leads to not only physical but
also
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 physiological issues.
This
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 essay intends to discuss both viewpoints followed by my opinion with suitable illustrations. The most conspicuous reason
as to
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apply
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why technical gadgets are necessary to use is that
it
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they
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provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
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 ease of accessibility in regards to education purposes
as well as
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 to entertain the public.
Online
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In online
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 classes,
for example
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, during a pandemic, the only thing
contributed
Wrong verb form
contributing
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in
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to
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 the studies of pupils is personal computers through which they
are getting
Verb problem
complete
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 their syllabus
completed
Verb problem
apply
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with no consequences by sitting at their places.
Moreover
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, these gadgets can develop cognitive skills in the children as they play several kinds of games
such
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 as puzzles to get desirable winning which leads to the strengthing of their minds.
On the contrary
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, others have
their
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apply
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conflicting views regarding the use of electronic products
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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that if these are used for
longer
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a longer
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 duration it can cause numerous health issues,
for example
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, postural changes,
according to
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the
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apply
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recent research by the Indian government,
majority
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the majority
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 of youngsters are suffering from backache and have disc problems after sitting in front of laptops
while
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 working for a long time. Another considerable reason is that it reduces family cohesiveness.
In other words
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, people
more
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apply
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gravitate towards electronic things
that
Correct word choice
because
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 they do not have enough time to spend with their families and everybody at
the
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apply
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home carries and
working
Wrong verb form
works
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 on their personal devices.
Consequently
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, it lacks the bond of family members with the advancement of technology.
To conclude
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, despite the fact that
electronic
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the electronic
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 domain leads to less interaction with the community and has various negative ramifications
such
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 as physical changes of the body, I
Add a missing verb
am incline
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incline
Replace the word
inclined
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 towards those who opine that these products are useful for not only students but
also
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to
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apply
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the senior citizens for gaining knowledge
as well as
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 for developing intellectual things.

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task achievement
Ensure that the introduction clearly outlines the main arguments that will be discussed in the essay to guide the reader more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
In your body paragraphs, make sure each point is clearly linked back to the main argument you are making, and consider adding topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to enhance logical flow.
task achievement
While examples are provided, incorporating a few more specific examples would strengthen your argument, particularly in the second paragraph.
task achievement
You have successfully articulated both sides of the argument and provided your own opinion at the end, which reflects a clear understanding of the task.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay includes a concise conclusion that summarizes your viewpoint, creating a nice closure to your discussion.
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