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Band 5.5

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes?

#countries #amount #crime
The
amount
Change the quantifier
number
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 of crime rates are increasing dramatically in many regions these days. I strongly believe that one of the factors is
that
Correct determiner usage
the
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 violence caused by the
internet
. In
this
 essay, I will be exploring my statements and the solutions.
First
 of all, the spread of social media
such
 as Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram caused the main problems. Most of the problems are due to the children misunderstanding social media.
For example
, they are often troubled by chatting on social networks and conflict of communication will connect to real violence.
Moreover
, identification of personal information is a heavy crime that not only the specific person gets damaged but people around them
also
 involved in it.
Secondly
,
advancement
Correct article usage
the advancement
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 of video streams
such
 as Youtube and Tiktok are big factors. The reason is that many videos are illegally uploaded and obtain profits.
Therefore
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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people do not understand how to use social networks. In order to solve those issues, I think that the government and school should handle the problems. For the government, they need to make the law that criminals who are involved in
internet
 violence must be given heavy punishment.
Furthermore
Add a comma
,Furthermore
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 they can make
the
Correct article usage
apply
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posters that prevent crime.
However
, the way of education is much more effective. School should teach the scary of the
internet
 which gives extra classes.
In addition
, teaching by educational TV program is one way to prevent law-breaking.
As a result
, the government or education facilities should provide solutions. In conclusion, I personally think that gaining the number of people who use the
internet
 leads to many issues. If it is possible to solve these factors, the number of criminals will decrease.
Submitted by dokmally2 on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • economic disparity
  • propensity
  • recidivism
  • deterrent
  • rehabilitative
  • judicial system
  • corruption
  • socioeconomic
  • alienation
  • stigmatization
  • decriminalization
  • enforcement
  • gentrification
  • preemptive measures
  • intervention strategies
What to do next:
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