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Writing Samples
Band 5

Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. Explain the main causes and effects of this problem, and suggest some possible solutions

#childhood #obesity #countries #effects
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Obesity
Use synonyms
 among adolescent is becoming more serious in several nations. There are a number of reasons causing
this
Linking Words
 complication and each
problem
Use synonyms
 needs to be dealt
in
Change preposition
with in
show examples
 a particular way. The foremost causes of
obesity
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 are unhealthy eating habits and having inactive lifestyles. Today most
children
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 consume too much fast
food
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such
Linking Words
 as pizza, hamburger,… which has high fast content but less vegetable, minerals and vitamins. Because we are living in a hectic life so their parent may be tired and lazy to cook
food
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, they will buy some fast
food
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 for their kids.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
problem
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 is
parents
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 always let their kids stay at home because they worry their
children
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 may have accidents.
In addition
Linking Words
, boys and girls have less physical demanding movement and after a long
time
Add a comma
,time
show examples
 they will prefer indoor activities
such
Linking Words
 as watching TV, playing games,…
instead
Linking Words
 of playing sport.
As a result
Linking Words
, it
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 them gain weight and burn
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 calories. There are some negative consequences of
this
Linking Words
 trend
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 be anticipated when
children
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 cannot stop consuming fast
food
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 and do not have a lot of movement.
First
Linking Words
 of all, loss of productivities bring some troubles about
health
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such
Linking Words
 as heart disease, diabetes,… or develop some choric illness.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
children
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 who have physical
health
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problem
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 may put
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
pressure on medical care. Their
health
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 is becoming worse compare to those who do not suffer from
obesity
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. There are many possible steps that
parents
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, school,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 can take to deal with the
problem
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. School should encourage
student
Add an article
the student
a student
show examples
 to take part in some movements by providing them with
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 competitions and clubs. Especially, the government should invest more money in building playgrounds. And
last
Linking Words
 but not least,
parents
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 have
responsibility
Add an article
a responsibility
the responsibility
show examples
 to
children
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’s diet by cooking healthy
food
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.
Obesity
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 is a big
problem
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 that affects not only
children
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 but
also
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others. It is mainly caused by inactive lifestyles and eating disorders.
This
Linking Words
 results in several
health
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
problem
Change to a plural noun
problems
show examples
 and loss of productivity so school,
parents
Use synonyms
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 have to solve
this
Linking Words
problem
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by Ngô Yên Vy on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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