IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Caring for children is an important thing of the society it is suggested that all mothers and fathers should be required to take child care training courses to what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #society #mothers #fathers #child #care #courses
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It is often said that
parents
Use synonyms
 should take
child care
Correct your spelling
childcare
show examples
 courses in order to raise their youth in an appropriate way.In
this
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 essay, I tend to discuss the benefits that society may acquire
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
this
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 process and it is my personal belief that if
such
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 courses
would
Verb problem
were
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 readily more available,it would greatly enhance our community.
Firstly
Linking Words
 .it is vital that we appreciate the importance of the family as the main source of learning behaviours for youngsters.
In addition
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,youth mostly learn the pattern of behaviour by looking at their
parents
Use synonyms
 and hearing what they say ,
therefore
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,it is so important for
parents
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 to learn how they should
act
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 in front of their
children
Use synonyms
 .
Moreover
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,a study which has been conducted at Harvard University indicates that a youngster's brain is like a sponge and
absorb
Correct subject-verb agreement
absorbs
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 things very fast and keeps them for their entire life.
Therefore
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,bad-behaved
parents
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 can lead youngsters to become criminals or deal with psychological problems.
Consequently
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 , those kids can undermine society in
a
Correct article usage
the
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 foreseeable future.
However
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,some people would argue that
parents
Use synonyms
 do not need to learn how to
act
Use synonyms
 with their kids and they can learn youngster caring naturally by practising with their
children
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 .But,
this
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 is my belief that not all
parents
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trying
Wrong verb form
try
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 to
act
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 well with their kids ,
for instance
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, not many years ago in Iran
parents
Use synonyms
 used to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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physical
Change the word
physically
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 punishment their
children
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 a lack of knowledge of how they should
brought-up
Correct your spelling
bring
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youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
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 and by trying to do what their own
parents
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 did to them .
Therefore
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 ,
children
Use synonyms
 can become victims of their
parents
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 and experience some mental problems when growing up. In conclusion,it seems to me that it is essential for a family to learn how to
act
Use synonyms
 with their
children
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 because not only it's going to affect their
children
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's future but
also
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secure
Correct subject-verb agreement
secures
show examples
children
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 from some wrong
action
Fix the agreement mistake
actions
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such
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 as physical punishments.
Submitted by dmaycry303 on

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coherence cohesion
Introduce clear paragraph breaks to improve readability and logical flow. For example, start new paragraphs for each main point.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure and variety to improve readability and interest. For instance, consider splitting longer sentences into two shorter ones for clarity.
task achievement
Strengthen the thesis statement in the introduction for a more powerful argument. Clearly state your stance on whether you agree or disagree.
task achievement
Include a few more specific examples or studies to support your points. This will make your arguments more compelling and grounded in evidence.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance on the topic and consistently supports it throughout the body paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reinforces your argument.
coherence cohesion
Good use of transitional phrases such as 'Firstly,' 'Moreover,' and 'However,' to guide the reader through your arguments.
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