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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Music and Art should be included in the school program. To what extent do you agree?

Music
Use synonyms
 and
Art
Use synonyms
 have been a part of every society since ancient times.
People
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 from Rome and Greece used to have regular performances in amphitheatres. A lot of great masterpieces have been presented to satisfy
people
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's eyes.
This
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 essay will discuss ways that
Music
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 and other
Use synonyms
Art
Fix the agreement mistake
arts
show examples
 contribute to
societies
Fix the agreement mistake
society
show examples
 and personal life
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
present
Correct article usage
the present
show examples
 time. Basically,
Music
Use synonyms
 and
Art
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 have been integrated into our lives profoundly. Primary and secondary schools schedule these subjects in the curriculum. Why does it seem to be so vital for children and teens? Apparently, they have intentions to develop their skills.
While
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 doing
such
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 kinds of activities, students learn to release themselves and find their personal ways of doing activities. Probably, it might help them to succeed when applying their knowledge and experience in their future lives. A lot of
people
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 choose
Art
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 and
Music
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 as professional occupations. Some graduate
colleges
Check wording
apply
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to become teachers, others continue to study to get a degree in
Art
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. Why do
Art
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 and
Music
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 appear to be so significant in adult society?
Art
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 museums help us to study the cultures of previous generations,
whereas
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 Concert halls provide us with opportunities to feel a special atmosphere of the place, which might be energetically inspired and refreshed by live
music
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. It is really fascinating to visit these places
while
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traveling
Use the right word
travelling
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 and very soothing after
hard working
Use the right word
hard-working
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 days.
Although
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 there is a great variety of
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
show examples
 nowadays, a lot of
people
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 prefer
Art
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 and
Music
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 as a hobby. Whether you spend your time painting pictures, doing pottery, sewing, or embroidering, you are able to create a thing
that is
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 absolutely yours! It encourages us to feel alive in spite of things that might complicate
people
Use synonyms
's lives.
People
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also
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 get used to listening to
music
Use synonyms
 as a daily
routine
Punctuation problem
routine,
show examples
 as it helps them to experience different emotions or remember some precious moments. Not since they listen to their
favorite
Use the right word
favourite
show examples
 songs, they hardly recall anything. From all arguments mentioned above, one can conclude that
Music
Use synonyms
 and other Arts are significant features to both society and individuals.
People
Use synonyms
 need to feel their abilities with
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 help of
Art
Use synonyms
 in childhood to find lucrative jobs and be successful socially.
People
Use synonyms
 deserve to release their personal talents. Eventually, each of us should take the time to feel vivid.

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task achievement
Make your view clear in the first part and keep to it.
coherence
Use more simple links to tie ideas. Words like first, also, then, but, finally help readers follow.
coherence
Give one or two strong examples that show how art and music help students in school and life.
coherence
Keep each paragraph to one idea, with a small end sentence to finish.
coherence
End with a short line that repeats your main idea to sum up.
task response
The essay shows a view that music and art are useful in school and life.
coherence
It gives many ideas on how art and music can be in life and work.
coherence
Some parts read well and flow nicely.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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