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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that individuals who earn a lot of money are the most successful. Others say that the individuals who contribute to the society (such as scientists or teachers) are the most successful. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #individuals #money #society #scientists #teachers
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Nature
Correct article usage
The nature
show examples
 of
success
Use synonyms
 has always been
is
Change the verb form
being
been
show examples
 a point of contention.
People
Use synonyms
 argue whether it is determined by financial gains or by giving to the community. To my mind,
success
Use synonyms
 should be measured by one’s contribution to the
society
Use synonyms
 and long-term effects of our activity. It is easy to see why for some
people
Use synonyms
 wealth equals
success
Use synonyms
.
First
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 of all,
such
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 basic needs as good housing or healthy food cannot be met without money.
Moreover
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, not everywhere
such
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 essential governmental services as good healthcare or safety are affordable to everyone, unless you earn more than average wages.
Besides
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, finances give
people
Use synonyms
opportunity
Correct article usage
the opportunity
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 to travel, see other countries and explore other cultures, which is considered by many one of the greatest joys of life. From
this
Linking Words
 point of
view
Add a comma
,view
show examples
success
Use synonyms
 equals comfortable and enjoyable life.
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
,hand
show examples
 if we can regard living in a safe and prosperous
society
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 as an integral part of
success
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.
Such
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community
Correct article usage
a community
show examples
 is impossible to build without
people
Use synonyms
 who make it better.
For example
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, a scientist who finds a cure for a disease becomes a
savior
Change the spelling
saviour
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 of many lives and
thus
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 can be considered successful. A businessman, who cares not only about personal wealth but
also
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 about giving to his community, can become a very influential person.
Consequences
Correct article usage
The consequences
show examples
 of
such
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 actions have long term effect because they touch on more than one individual and can influence whole mankind. To conclude, I disagree that only material criteria determine
success
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. In my opinion well-being of the
society
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 should be taken into account when looking at someone’s achievements. With
such
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approach
Correct article usage
an approach
show examples
 contributing to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
 can become a measure of
success
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by sunamber3 on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial prosperity
  • capitalizing
  • luxury travel
  • exclusive experiences
  • contributions to society
  • humanitarian workers
  • lasting impact
  • highly subjective
  • cultural, societal, and personal values
  • comfort and security
  • deeper personal satisfaction
  • holistic understanding
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