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Band 4

The fact that enormous sums are paid for pieces of art is not acceptable at a time when many people around the world live in poverty. Discuss this statement and give your opinion

#fact #sums #pieces #art #time #people #world #poverty
It looks very awkward to invest in
art
 when
some one
Correct your spelling
someone
show examples
 in your
neighborhood
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neighbourhood
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 is dying
with
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of
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 hunger. But unfortunately,
people
 squander their funds on buying
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
useless pieces of
art
 rather than helping needy
people
. I believe that the allocation of funds must be prioritized to alleviate
poverty
instead
 of promoting
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
art
 and culture.
To begin
 with, there are a few positives of spending sums for purchasing expensive
art
 pieces.
This
 will encourage artists which is
povital
Correct your spelling
vital
pivotal
 for the prosperity of
art
. As
art
 is a window of almost every invention, if
this
 process
is being halt
Change the verb form
is being halted
show examples
 by financial constraints that would have devastating impacts on the world.
Furthermore
,
art
 pieces provide opportunities for
people
 to relax their nerves and ease their worries, which is extremely good for their mental health and
prevent
Correct subject-verb agreement
prevents
show examples
 them from
the
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apply
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psychiatric diseases like anxiety, depression, and psychosis.
On the contrary
, the shift of funds from
poverty
 alleviation schemes to
art
 has enormous drawbacks. First and foremost, the proportion of
poverty
 can
raise
Correct your spelling
rise
show examples
 in society
that
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which
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 would increase the crime rate.
Secondly
,
due to
 lack of financial support for the medical treatment of
poverty stricken
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poverty-stricken
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people
 would increase their
sufferings
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suffering
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 and they will start dying
due to
 simple curable illnesses.
For instance
, if financial aid
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 African countries to treat HIV infection is stopped, many low socio-economic class individuals will die because of treatable superadded infections. In conclusion, I believe that
although
the
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apply
show examples
art
 is
also
 significant for the progress of a nation as it opens
an
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the
show examples
 horizons of imagination,
the
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apply
show examples
spending on
poverty
 is far more important.
Submitted by drmehmoodahmed33 on

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Task Achievement: Inadequate Task Response
The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic but lacks coherence and clear development of ideas. The introduction and conclusion are weak and do not effectively summarize the main points. Specific examples and relevant details are needed to support the ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion: Inadequate Logical Structure
The logical structure of the essay needs improvement. Each paragraph should flow logically from one to the next, and the introduction and conclusion should effectively frame the essay. Additionally, providing relevant examples will strengthen the coherence of the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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