IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The fact that enormous sums are paid for pieces of art is not acceptable at a time when many people around the world live in poverty. Discuss this statement and give your opinion

#fact #sums #pieces #art #time #people #world #poverty
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It looks very awkward to invest in
art
Use synonyms
 when
some one
Correct your spelling
someone
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 in your
neighborhood
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neighbourhood
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 is dying
with
Change preposition
of
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 hunger. But unfortunately,
people
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 squander their funds on buying
the
Correct article usage
apply
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useless pieces of
art
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 rather than helping needy
people
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. I believe that the allocation of funds must be prioritized to alleviate
poverty
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instead
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 of promoting
the
Correct article usage
apply
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art
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 and culture.
To begin
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 with, there are a few positives of spending sums for purchasing expensive
art
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 pieces.
This
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 will encourage artists which is
povital
Correct your spelling
vital
pivotal
 for the prosperity of
art
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. As
art
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 is a window of almost every invention, if
this
Linking Words
 process
is being halt
Change the verb form
is being halted
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 by financial constraints that would have devastating impacts on the world.
Furthermore
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,
art
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 pieces provide opportunities for
people
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 to relax their nerves and ease their worries, which is extremely good for their mental health and
prevent
Correct subject-verb agreement
prevents
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 them from
the
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apply
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psychiatric diseases like anxiety, depression, and psychosis.
On the contrary
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, the shift of funds from
poverty
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 alleviation schemes to
art
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 has enormous drawbacks. First and foremost, the proportion of
poverty
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 can
raise
Correct your spelling
rise
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 in society
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 would increase the crime rate.
Secondly
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,
due to
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 lack of financial support for the medical treatment of
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poverty stricken
Add a hyphen
poverty-stricken
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people
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 would increase their
sufferings
Fix the agreement mistake
suffering
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 and they will start dying
due to
Linking Words
 simple curable illnesses.
For instance
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, if financial aid
of
Change preposition
from
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 African countries to treat HIV infection is stopped, many low socio-economic class individuals will die because of treatable superadded infections. In conclusion, I believe that
although
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
art
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 is
also
Linking Words
 significant for the progress of a nation as it opens
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 horizons of imagination,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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spending on
poverty
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 is far more important.
Submitted by drmehmoodahmed33 on

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Task Achievement: Inadequate Task Response
The essay demonstrates a basic understanding of the topic but lacks coherence and clear development of ideas. The introduction and conclusion are weak and do not effectively summarize the main points. Specific examples and relevant details are needed to support the ideas.
Coherence and Cohesion: Inadequate Logical Structure
The logical structure of the essay needs improvement. Each paragraph should flow logically from one to the next, and the introduction and conclusion should effectively frame the essay. Additionally, providing relevant examples will strengthen the coherence of the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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