IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

People should plan for their retirement by saving money. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #plan #retirement #money
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In each
Change preposition
Each
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 year, a plethora of breadwinners
retires
Correct subject-verb agreement
retire
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 from their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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.
However
Linking Words
,
retirement
Use synonyms
 is the
time
Use synonyms
,
where
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 retired employers are told to have a rest,
hence
Linking Words
 they no longer can earn, and in that moment of
time
Use synonyms
, pension works. Henceforth, I agree that each employer should plan their saving before
retirement
Use synonyms
, which is
further
Linking Words
 going to be explained. Aforementioned about that the definition of
retirement
Use synonyms
 is that the employer is now free from their duties and now they can enjoy their leisure
time
Use synonyms
 with their families and
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
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, but in
this
Linking Words
case
Add a comma
case,
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 they no longer have the right to work
further
Linking Words
 to
earning
Wrong verb form
earn
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 more income,
due to
Linking Words
 that reason it is said to start planning before getting retired.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the higher they save, the more they could enjoy their old age life because the primary benefits of prior planning can be beneficial in creating more
saving
Fix the agreement mistake
savings
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, where after
retirement
Use synonyms
, that person will able to achieve his dreams,
for instance
Linking Words
, travelling
in
Change preposition
apply
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abroad.
Also
Linking Words
, in case
if
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
that person is hospitalized,
then
Linking Words
 at least his savings will prove productive at that moment of
time
Use synonyms
, if need it in
urgent
Change the word
urgently
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. In conclusion, once planning in the earlier stage of
retirement
Use synonyms
 can be advantageous, where a person will not face the issue aforesaid about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthcare,
then
Linking Words
 can achieve the dream he wants and
hence
Linking Words
 the savings always aid at the
time
Use synonyms
 of emergency, but
similarly
Linking Words
, in neglecting, it can cost heavily and not only to you but to the whole family.
Therefore
Linking Words
, start saving and increase your pension before
retirement
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by nandikaraai on

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task response
The essay addresses the topic of planning for retirement and presents a clear argument in support of saving money before retirement. However, some points could be further elaborated to strengthen the response.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Transitions between ideas are generally smooth. To improve coherence, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and connects back to the thesis statement.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • peace of mind
  • comfortable living standard
  • compound interest
  • unexpected expenses
  • financial stress
  • well-funded retirement
  • government pensions
  • retirement benefits
  • cost of living
  • economic uncertainties
  • financial discipline
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