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Band 4.5

People should plan for their retirement by saving money. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #plan #retirement #money
In each
Change preposition
Each
show examples
 year, a plethora of breadwinners
retires
Correct subject-verb agreement
retire
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 from their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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.
However
,
retirement
 is the
time
,
where
Correct word choice
when
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 retired employers are told to have a rest,
hence
 they no longer can earn, and in that moment of
time
, pension works. Henceforth, I agree that each employer should plan their saving before
retirement
, which is
further
 going to be explained. Aforementioned about that the definition of
retirement
 is that the employer is now free from their duties and now they can enjoy their leisure
time
 with their families and
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
show examples
, but in
this
case
Add a comma
case,
show examples
 they no longer have the right to work
further
 to
earning
Wrong verb form
earn
show examples
 more income,
due to
 that reason it is said to start planning before getting retired.
Additionally
, the higher they save, the more they could enjoy their old age life because the primary benefits of prior planning can be beneficial in creating more
saving
Fix the agreement mistake
savings
show examples
, where after
retirement
, that person will able to achieve his dreams,
for instance
, travelling
in
Change preposition
apply
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abroad.
Also
, in case
if
Correct word choice
apply
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that person is hospitalized,
then
 at least his savings will prove productive at that moment of
time
, if need it in
urgent
Change the word
urgently
show examples
. In conclusion, once planning in the earlier stage of
retirement
 can be advantageous, where a person will not face the issue aforesaid about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthcare,
then
 can achieve the dream he wants and
hence
 the savings always aid at the
time
 of emergency, but
similarly
, in neglecting, it can cost heavily and not only to you but to the whole family.
Therefore
, start saving and increase your pension before
retirement
.
Submitted by nandikaraai on

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task response
The essay addresses the topic of planning for retirement and presents a clear argument in support of saving money before retirement. However, some points could be further elaborated to strengthen the response.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Transitions between ideas are generally smooth. To improve coherence, ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and connects back to the thesis statement.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • peace of mind
  • comfortable living standard
  • compound interest
  • unexpected expenses
  • financial stress
  • well-funded retirement
  • government pensions
  • retirement benefits
  • cost of living
  • economic uncertainties
  • financial discipline
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