IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Computer games and films containing violence are popular today. Some people think that these are harmful for our society and the government should ban them. Others argue that such games and films are fine for entertainment. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In
this
Linking Words
 new era, video play and movies are loaded with vivid scenes of brutality, some coincide that it might harm our society and authorities should apply restrictions to avoid its reproduction. Others consider it inoffensive and a mere means
for
Change preposition
of
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 leisure. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will discuss why I consider it dangerous for our community and provide reasons that support my point of view.
To begin
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 with,
children
Change noun form
children's
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 and
teenagers
Change noun form
teenagers'
teenager's
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 behaviour is greatly affected and influenced by what they see and what they do on a daily basis. Their minds and emotions are very susceptible to their environment since they are just developing their personality.
For example
Linking Words
, if they are mainly exposed to media and
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
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 that display the use of force and abuse as a
mean
Fix the agreement mistake
means
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 to resolve problems, they will not know other methods to face any situation.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, if they consume content that incites critical thinking and kindness
this
Linking Words
 is where they will resource
instead
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 of aggression.
Government
Correct article usage
The government
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 should apply strict measures to control the spread of
such
Linking Words
 images, games and videos that could potentially incite the use of fighting especially when it comes to kids and youngsters in order to keep the nation and citizens safe. On the other side, computerized play and films are an important way of
amusements
Fix the agreement mistake
amusement
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 and relaxation used by most individuals including young
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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 and adults.
For example
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, people
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 are not able to perform physical activity as a
mean
Fix the agreement mistake
means
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 of recreation might use
this
Linking Words
 type of entertainment. In
such
Linking Words
 specific
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
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,namely grown adults are less influential than kids
therefore
Linking Words
, they could have access to
this
Linking Words
 kind of material and video games
nonetheless
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, the amount of assault should be anyhow limited and regulated in order to avoid future repercussions. In conclusion, governments should limit the reproduction and access to any type of material that promotes attack especially when it comes to children and adolescents to prevent the normalization of disturbance in our society.
As well as
Linking Words
 it is acceptable that adults utilise video games and movies for entertainment purposes
likewise
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 it should be regulated to a certain
extend
Replace the word
extent
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.

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task achievement
Make sure your thesis statement clearly reflects your position on the topic in the introduction. A clearer stance will guide your essay better.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph should contain a clear topic sentence that relates directly to your thesis. This improves clarity and guides the reader through your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to enhance flow between ideas and paragraphs. This will improve the coherence of your essay.
task achievement
In your conclusion, reiterate your main arguments and clearly restate your opinion. This strengthens your essay’s conclusion.
task achievement
The essay presents both views effectively and discusses the potential impacts of violence in media on society, showing an understanding of the complexity of the issue.
task achievement
Some relevant examples are provided, such as the influence of media on children’s behavior, which enhances the argument.
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