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Band 4

Asror Aka: What are the advantages and disadvantages of bureaucracy?

#asror #aka #bureaucracy
The pie charts give information about the
proportion
 of staffs working in three various departments in
town
 A and
town
B
 between 1969 and 2010. Looking at the graph, it is
immediate
Change the adjective
immediately
show examples
 obvious that employees who worked in manufacturing increased in
both
town
Change to a plural noun
towns
show examples
 during the
period
 shown.
However
,
Add a hyphen
sales-related
show examples
sales- related
Correct your spelling
sales-related
show examples
 jobs were the greatest
increasing
Replace the word
increase
show examples
 in
town
 A and
town
B
. According to the chart of
town
 A, it can be seen that workers in
manufacturing
Add an article
the manufacturing
show examples
 department made up 41
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 which was the largest
group
.
This
 was followed by a drop of 21
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 over the
next
 40
years
.
Similarly
, sales-related occupation declined slightly from 30 to 16
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
Such
 a trend was not seen in the
figure
 for the
proportion
 of
staff
worked
Change the form of the verb
working
show examples
 in
services
, which increased significantly by 36
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. Turing to
town
B
, it is broadly similar to
town
 A, the most
staff
 were employed in manufacturing. After 40
years
 later,
this
figure
 decreased to 53
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. In 1960, 20 and 10
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of people worked in sales and
services
 respectively.
On the other hand
, there was a gradual
rose
Correct your spelling
rise
show examples
 in the percentage of
both
 those
group
 over a
period
 of forty
years
. The pie charts give information about the
proportion
 of staffs working in three various departments in
town
 A and
town
B
 between 1969 and 2010. Looking at the graph, it is
immediate
Change the adjective
immediately
show examples
 obvious that employees who worked in manufacturing increased in
both
town
Change to a plural noun
towns
show examples
 during the
period
 shown.
However
,
Add a hyphen
sales-related
show examples
sales- related
Correct your spelling
sales-related
show examples
 jobs were the greatest
increasing
Replace the word
increase
show examples
 in
town
 A and
town
B
. According to the chart of
town
 A, it can be seen that workers in
manufacturing
Add an article
the manufacturing
show examples
 department made up 41
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 which was the largest
group
.
This
 was followed by a drop of 21
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 over the
next
 40
years
.
Similarly
, sales-related occupation declined slightly from 30 to 16
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
Such
 a trend was not seen in the
figure
 for the
proportion
 of
staff
worked
Change the form of the verb
working
show examples
 in
services
, which increased significantly by 36
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. Turing to
town
B
, it is broadly similar to
town
 A, the most
staff
 were employed in manufacturing. After 40
years
 later,
this
figure
 decreased to 53
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
. In 1960, 20 and 10
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of people worked in sales and
services
 respectively.
On the other hand
, there was a gradual
rose
Correct your spelling
rise
show examples
 in the percentage of
both
 those
group
 over a
period
 of forty
years
.
Submitted by caomyphuong3004 on

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    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
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    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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