IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many working people get little or no exercise during the working day or in their free time, and hand health problems as a result. Why do many working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem?

#people #exercise #time #hand #health
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Nowadays, it is common to see how
people
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is
Change the verb form
are
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 doing less and less exercise both working and in their free time. Along with
this
Linking Words
 lack of activity, comes an unhealthy way of
life
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 that derives
in
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from
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 health issues. In
this
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 essay, it will be discussed the reason why
people
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 is becoming more
sendetary
Correct your spelling
sedentary
 and some possible solutions to
this
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 problem. The main possible cause for the increasing sedentarism in the workers' way of
life
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, is
perphaps
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perhaps
, the change in the world economy. It is obvious
than
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that
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 in recent years physical jobs have decreased at the same rate that blue-collar positions have raised.
In other words
Linking Words
,
people
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 stopped
from
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apply
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using their bodies to produce
wealthness
Correct your spelling
wealthiness
healthiness
 to use their brains, resulting in a less active way of
life
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.
Besides
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, another powerful reason can be found in the quick development of technology that has made
less
Correct pronoun usage
it less
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 necessary to go out of
home
Add an article
the home
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.
For instance
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, twenty years ago, if someone wanted to buy goods, they had to go
for
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apply
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shopping and do some exercise, right now, just a couple of clicks are needed for the same purpose. To tackle
this
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overwhealming
Correct your spelling
overwhelming
overheating
 problem, it is necessary that governments take actions. One idea
,
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apply
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 might be to start awareness campaigns showing the negative effects that sedentarism has
over
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on
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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health.
For instance
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, some ads
in
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on
show examples
 television can
advice
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advise
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 how the lack of activity is related to
Correct your spelling
heart
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hearth
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heart
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 diseases in the future. Along with
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 public measures, private companies can help as well. Enterprises can implement incentives,
such
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 as
extra
Correct article usage
an extra
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 bonus, for their employees who use a bike
instead
Linking Words
 of a car to commute. To conclude, the root of the increasing inactivity of the general population
,
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apply
show examples
 can be found in global changes in the economy and the evolution of technology.
However
Linking Words
, not everything is lost. If governments help to increase the awareness of the health problems caused by sedentarism, maybe,
people
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 will start to change their habits and live a healthier
life
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by camiloko1989 on

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