IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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It
Add a verb
isIt
wasIt
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 undeniable that the
people
Use synonyms
 cannot get the same paid from different career and
a
Remove the article
apply
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gab of paid between some jobs is huge in our society.
Therefore
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, some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that the rate of
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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 paid in entertain industry like singers, models and film stars would be better than others. While I support
this
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 statement because most
of
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apply
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celebrities
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the celebrities
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 gain lots of money from their works, I
also
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 disagree since there are several
people
Use synonyms
 who work in other segments and still get high income. In
this
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essay
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,essay
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 I will illustrate two reasons that why some
of
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apply
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entertainment
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the entertainment
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 workers have
became
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become
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 millionaires and other careers that tend to have high
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
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 paid either.
To begin
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 with, the two main causes that make
group
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a group
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 of
people
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 who work with entertainment became superrich are varied.
First
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 of all, the
compettition
Correct your spelling
competition
is
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in
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this
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 industry has
been dramatically risen
Change to the active voice
dramatically risen
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 these days. The
film
Correct your spelling
filmmakers
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makers
Add a verb
aremakers
weremakers
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 willing to
paid
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pay
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 higher money
for
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to
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hire
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hiring
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 the most
popularity
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popular
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 stars for their rating.
Secondly
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, it is
obviosly
Correct your spelling
obviously
obvious
 that most of their money
is come
Change to the active voice
comes
has come
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 from their famous
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 have their fans who willing to support them. So, there are various
of
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apply
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stars who decided to open their own business,
for example
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, Rihanna, an American singer who has been selling her their own cosmetics for over 3 years. Not surprisingly, most of her customers are her fans who
is
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are
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 obsessed with her songs and other products.
On the other hand
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, some segments,
for instance
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, IT, Financial and Logistic could give high payment to their employees as well.
Although
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,
people
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 who mostly get the high paid,
is
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are
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people
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 who work as
executive
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an executive
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 or higher level. To sum up, It
seem
Change the verb form
seems
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 to me that the trend of career has been changed in
this
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 century.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
people
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 pay
attention
Correct quantifier usage
more attention
show examples
on
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 their paid more than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past. In my opinion, it does not depends on the career. It would be better if
people
Use synonyms
 could do any job without concern about their
paid
Change the form of the verb
pay
show examples
.

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Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Revenue generation
  • Supply and demand
  • Influence on culture
  • Trendsetters
  • Income disparity
  • Essential workers
  • Critical role
  • Public health
  • Endorsements
  • Economies
  • Compensation
  • Significant contribution
  • Technological advancements
  • Global challenges
What to do next:
Look at other essays: