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Band 4

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #entertainers #film #stars #pop #musicians #sports #money #job
It
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isIt
wasIt
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 undeniable that the
people
 cannot get the same paid from different career and
a
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apply
show examples
gab of paid between some jobs is huge in our society.
Therefore
, some
people
 believe that the rate of
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 paid in entertain industry like singers, models and film stars would be better than others. While I support
this
 statement because most
of
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apply
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celebrities
Add an article
the celebrities
show examples
 gain lots of money from their works, I
also
 disagree since there are several
people
 who work in other segments and still get high income. In
this
essay
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,essay
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 I will illustrate two reasons that why some
of
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apply
show examples
entertainment
Add an article
the entertainment
show examples
 workers have
became
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become
show examples
 millionaires and other careers that tend to have high
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
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 paid either.
To begin
 with, the two main causes that make
group
Add an article
a group
show examples
 of
people
 who work with entertainment became superrich are varied.
First
 of all, the
compettition
Correct your spelling
competition
is
Correct your spelling
in
show examples
this
 industry has
been dramatically risen
Change to the active voice
dramatically risen
show examples
 these days. The
film
Correct your spelling
filmmakers
show examples
makers
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aremakers
weremakers
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 willing to
paid
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pay
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 higher money
for
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to
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hire
Change the form of the verb
hiring
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 the most
popularity
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popular
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 stars for their rating.
Secondly
, it is
obviosly
Correct your spelling
obviously
obvious
 that most of their money
is come
Change to the active voice
comes
has come
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 from their famous
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 have their fans who willing to support them. So, there are various
of
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apply
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stars who decided to open their own business,
for example
, Rihanna, an American singer who has been selling her their own cosmetics for over 3 years. Not surprisingly, most of her customers are her fans who
is
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are
show examples
 obsessed with her songs and other products.
On the other hand
, some segments,
for instance
, IT, Financial and Logistic could give high payment to their employees as well.
Although
,
people
 who mostly get the high paid,
is
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are
show examples
people
 who work as
executive
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an executive
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 or higher level. To sum up, It
seem
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seems
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 to me that the trend of career has been changed in
this
 century.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
people
 pay
attention
Correct quantifier usage
more attention
show examples
on
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to
show examples
 their paid more than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past. In my opinion, it does not depends on the career. It would be better if
people
 could do any job without concern about their
paid
Change the form of the verb
pay
show examples
.
Submitted by nitchakarn.son on

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Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

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