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Writing Samples
Band 4

In some places, teenagers are encouraged to get part-time jobs while they are still in school. Do the advantages of teenagers working outweigh the disadvantages

#places #teenagers #jobs #school
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Many people
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that having a part-
time
 job
while
students
 are still in school
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 a huge advantage.
While
 there are benefits to
students
, there are
also
goods
Change the noun form
good
show examples
 reasons why it might be beneficial to
students
 with experiences getting from practical jobs.
Whereas
, others considered
this
 might cause some problems and issues
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their studying. Despite some obvious disadvantages of
this
 trend, I would argue that these are outweighed by the advantages. On the one hand, there are two major drawbacks when
students
 decide to take a part-
time
 job.
Firstly
, as
students
 who should focus on studying,
students
 would be distracted by the job.
For example
,
time
 schedules between jobs and schoolwork might cause conflict.
Hence
, playing truant would contribute much
too
Correct your spelling
to
show examples
 bad results at school.
Secondly
, it is considered that spending
time
 on part-
time
 jobs affects
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
 and living style.
For instance
, working demands a certain
time
 of the day which
account
Correct subject-verb agreement
accounts
show examples
 for at least 4 hours.
Students
 do not have enough
time
 to relax and take back
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 energy.
On the other hand
, I believe that the benefits are more significant than
such
 disadvantages. One reason for
this
 view is that working means practical experience. In order to be better in knowledge and sharpen in skills,
students
 do need a real environment to work in. Another reason is that the relationship in a working environment which is created amongst experts and leaders can
bring
Verb problem
create
show examples
 a potential self-learning environment. In conclusion, it seems to me that the advantages of
this
 trend are more significant than the disadvantages. People as humans need to be more interactive, which they can learn better in a working context.
Submitted by khuongquynhnga1997 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates some organization, but the logical structure could be improved for a more cohesive argument. The introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be more developed and linked to the main points more clearly.
task response
The essay partially responds to the task, but the ideas need to be more comprehensively developed. More specific examples and details are needed to fully address the advantages and disadvantages.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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