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Band 4.5

Many people work long hours, leaving very little  time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages.

#people #work #hours #time #leisure #activities #situation
In
this
 sophisticated
world
Add a comma
,world
show examples
 many
people
 spend
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
most of the
time
to work
Change the verb form
working
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 hard and little
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
leisure
 activities,
this
 might be
benefitial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 sometimes but
also
 may have many difficulties.
This
 essay will explain some benefits and drawbacks of
this
 fact. Working for long hours is good for making more money and getting oneself busier. In spite of, having
good
Add an article
the good
show examples
 financial condition is important in
life
,
although
 only money would not be support physically and mentally.
Moreover
,
people
 would
facing
Change the verb form
face
be facing
show examples
 major health issues.
For example
, 65% of
people
 have eyes issues due to watching visual
display
Fix the agreement mistake
displays
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 10 hours a
day
, before only 20% of
people
 were wearing spectacles.
This
 behaviour is getting worst
day
 by
day
 and making many difficulties on
people
's health.
However
,
people
 will do work sufficient
time
 a
day
 they will get more
leisure
time
 to relax
themselves
Remove the pronoun
apply
show examples
and they will get
time
 to make fun with family and
fariends
Correct your spelling
friends
.
Furthermore
, working for only office hours,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will
definately
Correct your spelling
definitely
 have advantages like, getting more
leisure
time
, metally feel calm and most importantly in a
leisure
time
 they can do activities like, yoga, gymnastic, singing, dancing and many more that make them happy. In conclusion, working more and earning more is not important as your health and social
life
. Money more can give you luxury facilities but it never
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 you relaxation and real happiness
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
life
.
People
 should have some
leisure
time
 for themselves and enjoy
life
 without having any stress.
Submitted by patilastha1197 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • work-life balance
  • mental well-being
  • burnout
  • stress relief
  • productivity
  • economic growth
  • career progression
  • skill enhancement
  • quality time
  • financial security
  • leisure activities
  • physical health
  • personal relationships
  • stress-related illnesses
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