IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, it is illegal for employers to reject someone applying for a job because of his or her age. Do you think it is a negative or positive development?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
One
Use synonyms
 of the most controversial issues today relates to
people
Use synonyms
 hiring by age. In
this
Linking Words
Correct your spelling
essay
show examples
easy
Add a comma
,easy
show examples
 I am going to describe employers reason about some
time
Use synonyms
 hiring old
people
Use synonyms
 and
some
Replace the word
sometime
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 don’t that,
also
Linking Words
 I will provide my
vision
Use synonyms
 about that.
Body paragraph 1
On
one
Use synonyms
 the said of argument relates to
employer
Use synonyms
 reason,
Correct your spelling
someone
show examples
some
Correct your spelling
someone
show examples
one
Use synonyms
accept
Change the verb form
accepts
show examples
 in the older
people
Use synonyms
job
Use synonyms
 whit him because he
is see
Change the verb form
sees
show examples
this
Linking Words
category
Use synonyms
 should work order in need the money and connect with
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
,Furthermore
show examples
 older
people
Use synonyms
 usually take
little
Add an article
a little
the little
show examples
salary
Use synonyms
.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
Use synonyms
employer
Fix the agreement mistake
employers
show examples
more have jobs need worker take
little
Add an article
a little
the little
show examples
salary
Use synonyms
. So there
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
vision
Use synonyms
 should hiring older
people
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
Linking Words
 there another
vision
Use synonyms
 from
employer
Use synonyms
, some
on
Correct your spelling
one
show examples
 didn’t agree
hiring
Change the verb form
to hire
show examples
 older
people
Use synonyms
 because
this
Linking Words
category
Use synonyms
 did not a good
job
Use synonyms
 so don’t give
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
good results.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
 more
people
Use synonyms
 fill a sick, and when he is
Use synonyms
job
Add an article
a job
the job
show examples
 on day sure will fill a tired, more than
a
Change the article
an
show examples
employer
Use synonyms
 think the best hiring young
people
Use synonyms
 and give high
salary
Use synonyms
 and get
a good results
Correct the article-noun agreement
good results
a good result
show examples
 than hiring
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 older
people
Use synonyms
 a little
salary
Use synonyms
 and get
a bad results
Correct the article-noun agreement
bad results
a bad result
show examples
. So there have
vision
Use synonyms
 should not hiring older
people
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 3
I see should hiring older
people
Use synonyms
 but must put some tips about that, because
their
Replace the word
there
show examples
 have more think in the life, so must put
time
Use synonyms
 for
job
Use synonyms
 and specifically a
salary
Use synonyms
 opposite
ech
Correct your spelling
each
 hour and specific a rest
time
Use synonyms
 and
job
Use synonyms
 kind.
Conclusion
Lastly
Linking Words
, their
category
Use synonyms
 agree
Change preposition
with hiring
show examples
hiring
Change the verb form
to hire
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 about age,
also
Linking Words
 their other
category
Use synonyms
 don’t agree and
every
Replace the word
everyone
show examples
one
Use synonyms
 have reasons, but should take the controversial issues in the middle, so give the employers what is
need
Add an article
a need
the need
show examples
 and put tips for hiring about age.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: