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Band 5

Information technology is changing many aspects of our lives, and now dominate our home, leisure and work activities. To what extent do you think the advantages of information technology outweigh the disadvantages?

#information #technology #aspects #lives #home #leisure #work #activities
People
’s working, entertainment, and daily life are fulfilled and improved by many information technologies. Regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
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domestic field, household intelligent electronic devices largely enhance
people
’s safety. Those devices could be electronic
door
Fix the agreement mistake
doors
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 and windows, and these lock systems were made by particular technologies, which prevented strangers unlock doors and windows easily. The system could
benefits
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benefit
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individual’s
Correct article usage
an individual’s
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live
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life
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 standard,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 significantly reduces the rate of being rubbed. Not only the technology is safer, but it could
makes
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make
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 working more
efficiency
Replace the word
efficient
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. Most
of
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apply
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people
Add an article
the people
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 were relied on online communicating and meeting appliances to do the tasks,
that is
 because
,
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apply
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 those online tools would fasten their work efficiency. By using emails and online meetings appliances,
people
 would no longer have to travel a long distance,
hence
 cutting down huge amounts of time on transporting. These tools
allows
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allow
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people
do
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to do
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 more tasks in limited
times
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time
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,
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apply
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 and allows them
have
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to have
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 more free
times
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time
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 for family and friends. Despite those advantages, social media that
derived
Add a missing verb
is derived
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 from information technology might
causes
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cause
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 physical health
problem
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problems
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, especially for teenagers. Young
people
 spent plenty of
times
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time
show examples
on
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apply
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scrolling Instagram and watching YouTube videos every day, most of them weren’t that useful. That would
induced
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induce
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 a major health issue - deteriorate body’s physical performance. Staring at
screen
Add an article
a screen
the screen
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 for a long time without moving will deactivate
body’s
Correct article usage
the body’s
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 muscles groups, in a long run, lack of exercise would reducing
body’s
Correct article usage
the body’s
show examples
 physical performance,
for instance
,
Correct article usage
the strengths
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strengths
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strength
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 and endurance of muscles.
Although
 the inappropriate uses of social media could bring
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
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 impact on
people
’s health, it would be solved by restricting
on
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apply
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daily screen
times
 and setting regular exercise
times
. To conclude, the advantages of information technology that brings to
people
 are largely outweighed
it
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its
show examples
 negative sides. The benefits can considerably
enhances
Change the verb form
enhance
show examples
individual’s
Correct article usage
an individual’s
show examples
 live
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
such
 as safety and working efficiency, and the physical issues can be prevented by proper methods.
Submitted by mandyya on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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