IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries fast food restaurants and supermarket gives money to schools to promote their products. Do you think this is a positive or negative development

#countries #food #restaurants #supermarket #money #schools #products #development
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It is noticeable in some countries that some businesses use the
school
 campus to publicize their
products
. I think it has negative effects on both society and the students. So, in the essay, I will focus on the drawbacks of
this
 development. The main issue for
school
 owners or managers is to maintain the concentration of their pupils so, if these schools allow companies to advertise their goods inside classes, it will distract the attention
for
Change preposition
from
show examples
 lessons.
For example
, youngsters will talk about the flyers or the poster that they just
watch
Wrong verb form
watched
show examples
 at the
school
 gate rather than having conversations about the topic of
today
Change noun form
today's
show examples
 lesson. As
consequence
Correct article usage
a consequence
show examples
, It led to
pay
Wrong verb form
paying
show examples
 less attention during
school
 hours. Another factor to consider is
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 increase
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 demand for special
products
. If businesses
such
 as fast-food chains have permission to advertise among students, it definitely
caused
Wrong verb form
causes
show examples
 a
growing
Replace the word
growth
show examples
 in buying their unhealthy food
accordingly
.
For instance
, parents always fight to keep their children healthier by not buying junk foods,
on the contrary
, schools allow them to promote
this
 unhealthy eating. So as long the child does not have the ability to judge whether these
products
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
 beneficial or not, it will be problematic for both the parent and the child. In conclusion, allowing companies
such
 as supermarkets and fast-food restaurants would cause disadvantages in and outside the
school
 like the lack of
focusing
Replace the word
focus
show examples
 in the classes
along with
 an increase in the demand for unhealthy
products
 which
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
probably caused negative impacts.
Submitted by t.g.alanazi on

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Task Achievement
Provide a clear position on the topic and address all aspects of the prompt, ensure that all points are relevant to the task. Develop your ideas with more depth and provide a balanced view on the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organize your ideas in a more coherent and cohesive manner. Use appropriate linking devices to connect ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sponsorship
  • commercialism
  • educational funding
  • brand loyalty
  • public health concerns
  • critical thinking
  • unhealthy eating habits
  • nutritional education
  • corporate influence
  • scholarships
  • educational resources
  • marketing strategies
  • ethical considerations
  • consumer habits
  • financial incentives
  • underfunded schools
  • health implications
What to do next:
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