Some believe that the Olympic games help bring people from different nations together, while others claim that holding the Olympics wastes money which could be used for important issues. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

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Sports events
such
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as the Olympic games are often considered by most people as an essential agenda to build international networking with other countries. Diametrically opposed to
this
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, some opine that
this
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activity will never generate any benefit
thus
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it is preferable for governments to use their national budget for other major setbacks. In my view,
however
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, a type of mega-event like the Olympic play has numerous positive impacts, for the following reasons. First and foremost, international relations experts are concerned that maintaining a good relationship with other nations through participating in global events is highly recommended.
This
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strategy is very important to be applied as every single country should collaborate with other parties in order to fulfil their needs.
For example
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, Indonesia has the opportunity to welcome a multitude of athletes and spectators from other Asian countries as they
had been
Wrong verb form
were

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb had been. Consider changing it.

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chosen as the host of the Asian Games in 2018. During the event, Indonesia not only broadened their chance to maintain
their
Correct pronoun usage
its

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

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relationship with other nations, especially from Asia but
also
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used
this
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golden moment to promote a myriad of Indonesian tourism destinations and attract more tourists both
from
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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domestic and international to enjoy the local tourism spots.
Therefore
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, Indonesia has obtained additional economic benefits from the Asian Games that can be used to support the development of other primary sectors. Despite setbacks, some of the general public claims that it is better for the cabinet members to spend their executive budget on several urgent issues
such
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as climate change, education, or health, rather than waste their money on the secondary sector like sport.
Although
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this
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type of
global scale
Add a hyphen
global-scale

It seems that global scale is missing a hyphen. Consider adding the hyphen(s).

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agenda has the possibility to increase national branding, many essential problems need to be addressed soon.
For instance
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, most countries that participated in the Tokyo Olympics
last
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month spent more than one billion dollars per fortnight to support their athletes,
while
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their own society was struggling to combat the
Covid-19
Correct your spelling
COVID-19

The word Covid-19 doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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outbreak during the period.
In addition
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, a number of wildfires happened in the South-East Europe regions
due to
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the surge of climate change effects.
Hence
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, using the money to tackle those immediate problems is more crucial rather than concern
on
Change preposition
about

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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other non-essential aspects.
To conclude
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then
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, even though focusing the executive budget on national issues is recommended by many people, the execution of the Olympics business is actually
also
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essential. Because it provides benefits to the country, particularly in terms of international relations and economic perspective.
Thus
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Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the more global agendas are planned and hosted by a nation, the greater the amount of money they will acquire to assist other essential problems in the country.
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Task Response
Overall, the essay addresses the prompt effectively by discussing both sides of the argument and providing a clear opinion. The introduction and conclusion are well-developed.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is well-structured and cohesive, with a logical flow of ideas. Each paragraph connects well to the next, and transition words are used effectively to guide the reader through the essay.
Task Response
The introduction and conclusion provide a strong framework for the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is well-organized with clear topic sentences and supporting details in each paragraph.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

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