IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Films and games can be accessed at any time from mobile devices, like smartphones, tablets and laptop computers. Do the advantages of such developments outweigh the disadvantages?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is argued,
Correct word choice
that
show examples
as the technology and internet developed rapidly technology devices
such
Linking Words
 as smartphones and computers become more universal and can easily provide a lot of entertainment like games and
movies
Use synonyms
 are providing benefits to the user. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 development has more drawbacks than advantages. There are several reasons to support my point of view. First of all, it can cause users physical issues
such
Linking Words
 as back pain, dry eyes and
headache
Fix the agreement mistake
headaches
show examples
 because
people
Use synonyms
 use them to watch videos constantly.
For example
Linking Words
, there is a great number of reports to
shows
Wrong verb form
show
show examples
 that because
people
Use synonyms
 use their smartphones watching videos frequently
thus
Linking Words
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 them to have dry eyes or even
worst
Correct word choice
worse
show examples
 consequences.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it can be extremely harmful activities for young
people
Use synonyms
, because it not only just
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
show examples
 physical issues
Linking Words
also
Correct word choice
but also
show examples
 can lead children to have mental
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 if they overuse those kinds of devices.
For instance
Linking Words
, in many countries, the parents and the government are suffering
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
how to fix the problems of young
people
Use synonyms
 addicted to computer online games and
also
Linking Words
 the children
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 leave their smartphones.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it brings extra entertainment and convenience to our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and easy to kill time by playing games or watching
movies
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, you could easily access a game and play it on your smartphone
while
Linking Words
 you are waiting for your friend.
In addition
Linking Words
, it is more convenient compared to the old days
we
Rephrase
when we
show examples
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 to enter the cinema to
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
movies
Use synonyms
 because we could watch
movies
Use synonyms
 on our technology devices whenever we
want
Wrong verb form
wanted
show examples
. In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 development might
brings
Change the verb form
bring
show examples
 convenience to our daily life.
However
Linking Words
, we can not ignore the harmful effects
such
Linking Words
 as physical and mental problems
that bring
Wrong verb form
brought
show examples
 by
this
Linking Words
 development
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
us
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe that its' drawbacks are outweighed the advantages.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to ensure that your introduction clearly states your opinion and outlines the main points you will discuss in the body of the essay. This will help set up the expectations for the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to proofread your writing for grammar and word choice. For example, 'to shows' should be 'to show'. This will help improve the clarity and readability of your essay.
task achievement
When providing examples, aim for more clarity and specificity. For instance, instead of saying 'there is a great number of reports', you could reference a specific study or statistic to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses the question by providing arguments for both sides of the topic, which demonstrates a balanced approach.
task achievement
You have included some relevant points about physical and mental health, which are important considerations in the discussion of mobile devices and entertainment.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: