IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences between the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #society #differences #members
It is true that the public is becoming keen to promote a happier community nowadays. I disagree with the idea that reducing the gap between the rich and poor is the best way to do so
,
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 because I believe other ways are equally effective. On the one hand, I agree that narrowing the rich-poor gap is beneficial to a happier civilization.
To begin
 with, reducing the disparity among different social classes can help to mitigate discrimination in society. When the level of wealth for everybody has minor differences, folk in all lines of work will experience a more acceptable and welcoming company.
Next,
this
 is
also
 a good way to make fewer disputes and crimes
to
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in
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 our civilization as the differentiation between the wealthy and impoverished is responsible for many crimes.
On the other hand
, I believe other approaches can
also
 produce a more enjoyable life for us.
Firstly
, it is vitally important to ensure
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law of justice for every member of the public, meaning that people would be fairly treated, and the nation
will
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would
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 have a sense of safety.
Secondly
, people’s level of happiness will certainly be increased if corruption is eliminated. Public service workers do their jobs that satisfy the public’s interests as we are taxpayers.
Finally
, the government can
also
 allocate more
nation
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national
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 budgets to the public education system, aiming to provide free education. Granting anybody a chance to approach knowledge can reduce unemployment, promoting a more productive and prosperous nation. In conclusion,
while
 reducing the gap between the rich and poor can promote a happier life for everyone, I do believe it outweighs all other approaches.
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task response
Ensure that the introduction clearly states your opinion on the given topic. Try to provide detailed examples to support your ideas and make sure to connect your ideas logically throughout the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion. Make sure to include a brief introduction that presents your opinion and a conclusion that summarizes your main points. Additionally, work on connecting your ideas more cohesively throughout the essay.
task response
Your essay provides arguments both in support of and against the idea of reducing the gap between the rich and the poor.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • income inequality
  • distribution of wealth
  • social cohesion
  • social unrest
  • crime rates
  • economic equality
  • overall well-being
  • health outcomes
  • education outcomes
  • motivation
  • innovation
  • equal opportunities
  • wealth redistribution
  • economic growth
  • productivity
What to do next:
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