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Band 5.5

Public celebrations (such as national days, festivals etc) are held in most countries. These are often quite expensive, and some people say that governments should spend money on more useful things. Do you agree or disagree?

#celebrations #festivals #countries #people #governments #money
Many states often spend a large amount of
money
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 public celebrations. Some
people
 think
this
 is too expensive and the
authorties
Correct your spelling
authorities
 could
apply
Add the preposition
forapply
show examples
these
Change the determiner
this money
show examples
money
 in more useful fields. In my opinion, I agree with it, because
this
 is a type of waste and the funding could be used to improve peoples' life quality. The celebrations of the public is a way of waste. In order to prepare these activities, normally, the governments will
recruite
Correct your spelling
recruit
recruits
 a lot of workers and
manufacturies
Correct your spelling
manufactures
show examples
 to produce the materials that they need.
This
 is a big amount of
money
that is
 actually from peoples' pocket——tax.
For example
,
in
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on
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 Chinese national day, the government requests all cities
hanging
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to hang
show examples
 on the new national flag on the street and arrange fireworks or light
performance
Fix the agreement mistake
performances
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 in the evening. It is hard to count how much they invest in
this
 celebration.
Correct your spelling
Someone
show examples
Some one
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Someone
show examples
 might argue that
this
 is a wise way to stimulate the country's economy because many orders are sent
in
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apply
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to factories.
However
, if the government share
this
money
to
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with
show examples
 every
citizens
Change to a singular noun
citizen
show examples
,
people
 can use the
money
 to buy the things that they really want, and
this
 will
also
 boost the economy. For a country, there are many other places
need
Correct pronoun usage
that need
show examples
 to be invested
that is
 more
improtant
Correct your spelling
important
 than a celebration. Health, education, and nursing senior
people
 are really significant to all society, but there is no many countries
can
Correct pronoun usage
that can
show examples
 totally solve these problems around the world. Even in the developed countries,
Correct your spelling
nobody
show examples
no body
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nobody
show examples
 can state that all their children can access
the
Correct article usage
apply
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high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
 education, and their health system is able to serve their
people
 which is free and fast.
For example
, in the UK, many
communties'
Correct your spelling
communities
 children cannot learn in a good school, and NHS can serve the public
in
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for
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 free but the queue is quite long sometimes. To conclude, many countries celebrate a certain
anniversity
Correct your spelling
anniversary
 which costs a lot of
money
.
This
 essay agrees with the point that it is really expensive and the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
government should use
these wealth
Change the determiner
this wealth
show examples
 in some other places
,
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apply
show examples
 because
this
 is a terrible form of waste and social welfare actually more need investment than
such
 celebrations do.
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Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • fostering
  • national pride
  • unity
  • cultural heritage
  • sense of belonging
  • boost the local economy
  • hospitality and retail sectors
  • showcase
  • global audience
  • foreign relations
  • multifaceted
  • allocating
  • quality of life
  • social inclusion
  • cohesive and inclusive society
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