IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#media #attention #lives #relationships #celebrities #actors #singers #footballers #time #people
In the present age, there has been much discussion revolving around the issue of whether the media should concentrate
to show
Change preposition
on showing
show examples
 normal population life
instead
 of paying attention to famous persons like
celebrities
Change noun form
celebrities'
celebrity's
show examples
 lifestyles. Personally, I strongly disagree with that statement because being aware of the
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 of popular individuals can motivate society
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 youngsters to learn positive behaviours and
trying
Wrong verb form
try
show examples
 to
becoming
Change the verb
become
show examples
 successful like them. The primary reason we have to take into consideration is that most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
celebrities are successful people in their major,
due to
this
 fact it could be concluded that their lives are a good template to follow and learn their positive factors.
For instance
, Leo Messi is a popular football player, who has many fans worldwide and his working pathway can affect many teenagers to
trying
Wrong verb form
try
show examples
 more to become as professional as he is. The next reason
that is
 worth pointing out is that there is not something interesting in normal
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 lives,
hence
, following their stories could not add something new to us.
For example
, assume that different media
such
 as television, newspapers, and social media show the lifestyle of an ordinary person in your hometown.
Furthermore
, because there are not any special points to learn
as a result
 you do not have any interest
to follow
Change preposition
in following
show examples
 the news anymore.
To sum up
, I would like
to conclude
 that knowing about famous
individuals
Change noun form
individuals'
individual's
show examples
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 like our favourite
singer
Fix the agreement mistake
singers
show examples
 is more interesting to us than ordinary ones. We can learn from their failures and
success
Fix the agreement mistake
successes
show examples
 and
also
 mimic their positive behaviours.
Submitted by sajedehmo on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure that your introduction and conclusion present clear and concise overview of your position on the topic. Additionally, use appropriate linking words and cohesive devices to connect ideas and generate a logical structure. Expand on your points with relevant and specific examples to support your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
While your essay presents a basic structure, there is a lack of coherence in linking ideas and maintaining a clear flow of arguments. Work on organizing your ideas in a logical sequence and use appropriate transition words and phrases to enhance coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: