IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The media pay too much attention to the lives and relationships of celebrities such as actors, singers or footballers. They should spend more time reporting the lives of ordinary people instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#media #attention #lives #relationships #celebrities #actors #singers #footballers #time #people
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In the present age, there has been much discussion revolving around the issue of whether the media should concentrate
to show
Change preposition
on showing
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 normal population life
instead
Linking Words
 of paying attention to famous persons like
celebrities
Change noun form
celebrities'
celebrity's
show examples
 lifestyles. Personally, I strongly disagree with that statement because being aware of the
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 of popular individuals can motivate society
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
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 youngsters to learn positive behaviours and
trying
Wrong verb form
try
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 to
becoming
Change the verb
become
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 successful like them. The primary reason we have to take into consideration is that most
of
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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celebrities are successful people in their major,
due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 fact it could be concluded that their lives are a good template to follow and learn their positive factors.
For instance
Linking Words
, Leo Messi is a popular football player, who has many fans worldwide and his working pathway can affect many teenagers to
trying
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try
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 more to become as professional as he is. The next reason
that is
Linking Words
 worth pointing out is that there is not something interesting in normal
people
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people's
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 lives,
hence
Linking Words
, following their stories could not add something new to us.
For example
Linking Words
, assume that different media
such
Linking Words
 as television, newspapers, and social media show the lifestyle of an ordinary person in your hometown.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, because there are not any special points to learn
as a result
Linking Words
 you do not have any interest
to follow
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in following
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 the news anymore.
To sum up
Linking Words
, I would like
to conclude
Linking Words
 that knowing about famous
individuals
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individuals'
individual's
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 like our favourite
singer
Fix the agreement mistake
singers
show examples
 is more interesting to us than ordinary ones. We can learn from their failures and
success
Fix the agreement mistake
successes
show examples
 and
also
Linking Words
 mimic their positive behaviours.
Submitted by sajedehmo on

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task response
Ensure that your introduction and conclusion present clear and concise overview of your position on the topic. Additionally, use appropriate linking words and cohesive devices to connect ideas and generate a logical structure. Expand on your points with relevant and specific examples to support your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
While your essay presents a basic structure, there is a lack of coherence in linking ideas and maintaining a clear flow of arguments. Work on organizing your ideas in a logical sequence and use appropriate transition words and phrases to enhance coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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