IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The older people who need employment have to compete with younger ones. What problems can this create? What are some solutions?

#people #employment #ones #create
In
this
 modern age,
highly
Correct article usage
a highly
show examples
 competitive environment in
job
 markets
push
Change the verb form
pushes
show examples
 adults to try harder to snag a
job
. In
this
 scenario, it might be quite challenging for aged
people
 to get a survival post. There are many issues associated with
this
 which are explained in the following paragraphs along with some remedies.
To begin
 with, overpopulation is the prime reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this harsh realities
Change the determiner
this harsh reality
these harsh realities
show examples
 where
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most of the qualified adults have been struggling to
sustin
Correct your spelling
sustain
 the
job
 market.
In other words
, one can imagine simply that
this
 trend put high pressure on energetic and young blood and how much laborious it would be for older ones. Moving
further
, if aged folks are in
line
Add an article
the line
a line
show examples
 of post searching and it would elevate more pressure for
job
 seekers,
Add an article
the
show examples
unemployment rate would be increased respectively.
Secondly
, old
people
's stamina and strength
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 decayed with time, so it might not be fruitful for
company
Add an article
a company
the company
show examples
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 would hire
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
.
Further
, the prime solution to the demanding issue is that every post should have
age
Add an article
an age
show examples
 limit; thereby the firms could hire the potential according to their need.
This
 notion will
depicts
Change the verb form
depict
show examples
 the older
job
 seekers in which field
that
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 eligible or not and it will reduce unnecessary competition.
Secondly
, the authorities should stipend to a certain age number in response
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
well-being
Correct article usage
the well-being
show examples
 and survival of the populace. To conclude
then
, undoubtedly, if aged
people
 start competing will young
people
,
then
 it will enhance pressure on youngsters and
this
 unwanted competitive environment could be curbed by allowing stipend to the older ones for survival.
Submitted by parneet.k876 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Ageism
  • Generational divide
  • Technological advancements
  • Skills gap
  • Job scarcity
  • Industry preferences
  • Pension expenditure
  • Financial planning
  • Employability
  • Retraining programs
  • Upskilling opportunities
What to do next:
Look at other essays: