IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Children today are told dependent on computer and electronic entertainment.It would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports and games. Do you agree or disagree.

#children #computer #entertainment #time #sports #games
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays youth tend to enjoy their spare
time
Use synonyms
 with electronic devices.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is believed that
children
Use synonyms
 are needed to allocate more
time
Use synonyms
 to play outdoor sports. I agree with the aforementioned statement.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in modern society, there is a tendency that
children
Use synonyms
 prefer
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle. To be specific, advanced technology
enable
Change the verb form
enables
show examples
 youth to experience
virtual
Correct article usage
a virtual
show examples
 world and convenient lifestyle. By using the technology,
children
Use synonyms
 do not have to go out to meet their friends because they can communicate with their peers via chatting messengers and play video games together connecting each other online. As well as that, it is quite addictive so that youth spend
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
show examples
 of their free
time
Use synonyms
 on them.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon is prevalent and it causes insufficient physical
activities
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as soccer to
children
Use synonyms
. To
alleivate
Correct your spelling
alleviate
this
Linking Words
 issue, outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 should be encouraged to
children
Use synonyms
 by building more infrastructures and educating
children
Use synonyms
 results of the lack of
exercise
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it is true that insufficient sports infrastructures lead to
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon. Take Korea as an example, in Korea, there are few facilities to do
exercise
Use synonyms
, so it contributes to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
exercise
Use synonyms
 as well as addiction to electronic devices.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it seems compulsory to build more facilities and hold campaigns to make
children
Use synonyms
 take part in sports
activities
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, it is important to educate
children
Use synonyms
 about
bad
Correct article usage
the bad
show examples
 results of
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sedentary lifestyle. In school,
children
Use synonyms
 should be taught lack of
exercise
Use synonyms
 could cause some diseases like diabetes and high blood pressure
then
Linking Words
 they will prone to join physical
activities
Use synonyms
 to stay healthy.
As a result
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 will spend more
time
Use synonyms
 on outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 to prevent illness. In conclusion, I believe that encouraging
children
Use synonyms
 to take part in physical
activities
Use synonyms
 is indispensable and it will play a significant role in staying healthy
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by playsocc1216 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: