IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

the number of people are at risk at serious health problem is only because of overweight. what is the reason and how it can be solved?

#people #risk #health #reason
Everyone is aware of saying,
health
 is wealth. Owing to
advancement
Fix the agreement mistake
advancements
show examples
 in science, lifestyle has changed a lot because of which
obesity
 is one of the major
health
 concerns. In
this
 essay causes and solutions to the problem will be explained in subsequent paragraphs. The
first
 and foremost reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 increasing weight is
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle. Adults have to spend long hours while sitting in front of a laptop at their work while children spend their maximum time studying. Even in their leisure
time
Add a comma
,time
show examples
 everyone prefers to enjoy their mobile phones rather than exercising or playing outdoor games. Another reason is
increasing
Correct article usage
the increasing
show examples
 craze for junk food. Nowadays
people
 prefer to have fast food as compared to homecooked nutritious food. Because of
higher
Add an article
a higher
the higher
show examples
 amount of fats and calories
people
 are getting
obeese
Correct your spelling
obese
.
Obesity
 has many adverse effects on
health
Add an article
the health
show examples
 of
people
.
First
 being increased cases of non-communicable
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
such
 as heart failure, diabetes, hypertension and so on as overweight is the major risk factor of every disease. Owing to
this
,
death
Add an article
the death
show examples
 rate has
also
 increased. In
latest
Add an article
a latest
the latest
show examples
 research study, it was concluded that because of
health
 outcomes of
obesity
 death rate has
incclined
Correct your spelling
inclined
 by 15
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
.
Secondly
, due to
obesity
people
 are becoming lazy and lethargic resulting in
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of interest in work which affects their income because if they will not work efficiently
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 might
Replace the word
lose
show examples
loose
Correct your spelling
lose
show examples
 their jobs. On the balance, to enjoy life to the fullest it is important for an individual to be healthy.
Moreover
, only a small effort is required to improve one's quality of life.
Submitted by germanvarpal1 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: