IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cell phone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.

#technology #people #cell #phone #security #cameras #cases
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In
recently
Replace the word
recent
show examples
 years, by developing
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
technology, there are
Correct your spelling
many
show examples
may
Correct your spelling
many
show examples
 methods to manage each person’s daily life without them recognize it. These improvements may have some drawbacks
however
Linking Words
 I strongly believe they have more positive impacts.
First
Linking Words
 of all, technology updates security systems by boosting cameras
therefore
Linking Words
, they can survive a lot of human’s
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
. By installing these hidden cameras in public areas which
names
Change the verb form
name
show examples
 CCTV, they give
helping
Correct article usage
a helping
show examples
 hand to detectives and polices in order to catch robbers and murders by playing back the recorded videos from crime scenes and easily catch thieves.
For instance
Linking Words
, in South Korea, there is a rule to install CCTV in every public
locations
Change to a singular noun
location
show examples
 like streets, cafes, shopping malls which they put a key beside them to press when a person feels in danger and alert the area’s police station, as can be
seen
Add the comma(s)
,seen
show examples
this
Linking Words
 invention makes South Korea the top ten safest place in the world.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, many older people believe the rising side of technology infringement on their personal freedoms more than past. They think
this
Linking Words
 makes them feel uncomfortable and insecure while they are on phone and their voice calls are recorded by
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
Thus
Linking Words
, they cannot talk freely about political issues nor speak up their minds
loud
Correct your spelling
aloud
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, they want to stop
technologies
Replace the word
technological
show examples
 improvement in order to not feel chased and controlled. In conclusion, despite
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
several drawbacks of science improvements and losing privacy in public lives, all
this
Linking Words
 digital monitoring can rule out countries and make humans
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
feel secure in their daily lives in public. I definitely trust these security systems.
Submitted by farrinprad on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: