IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

many manufactured food and drink products contain high level off sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #level #sugar #health #people
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Nowadays, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
Use synonyms
 advocate that unhealthy products which have
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 percentage of
sugar
Use synonyms
 have a negative impact on
people
Use synonyms
health
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
 they believe that if
Change the determiner
these
show examples
this
Linking Words
 foods raise prices ,
people
Use synonyms
 demands reduce simultaneously. I agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement with two main reasons which are going to explain in the following paragraphs.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, many individuals accept that
Sugar
Use synonyms
 causes numerous
health
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 problems that are obesity, cholesterol and diabetes. Most
of
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apply
show examples
experts
Add an article
the experts
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 give precautions about the risk of
high level
Add a hyphen
high-level
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sugar
Use synonyms
 using for
people
Use synonyms
 who are keen on
sugar
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
People
Use synonyms
 do not notice the importance of their
health
Use synonyms
 So they come across
health
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 obstacles
,
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apply
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when they obtain
mindfullness
Correct your spelling
mindfulness
 related harm of
sugar
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. Plenty of Countries decided that the price of
sugar
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 products raise and they undertake responsibilities from societies affect.
Similarly
Linking Words
, some of the states
forhibid
Correct your spelling
forbid
 that produce
food
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 and drink categories that contain high levels of
sugar
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.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
People
Use synonyms
who
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whom
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 parents lose control upon their
children
Use synonyms
 nutrition tendency.
Furthermore
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, it is undeniable that most
of
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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children
Use synonyms
 are addicted to junk
food
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. Regarding
to
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apply
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teachers, Nutrition plays a crucial role
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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children
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
 to, If they do not get enough
vitamin
Fix the agreement mistake
vitamins
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 and
mineral
Fix the agreement mistake
minerals
show examples
, they face some of the problems that their cognitive and physical development. To exemplify, many
school
Change to a plural noun
schools
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 in Europe, they make an itinerary
releated
Correct your spelling
related
released
food
Use synonyms
 plan and they increase the cost of junk foods in school canteen so they force on
children
Use synonyms
 due to
children
Use synonyms
 following
this
Linking Words
 plan and avoid the tendency of buy junk
food
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. To sum up, plenty of
people
Use synonyms
 admitted that
Sugar
Use synonyms
 is too harmful materials for individuals. Sugary foods prices should increase to encourage individuals to tend to less
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of
sugar
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by dynasty_sern on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar consumption
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • encourage
  • expensive
  • reduce
  • effectively
  • discourage
  • tight budget
  • purchasing
  • disproportionately
  • lower-income individuals
  • healthier food choices
  • demand
  • regardless
What to do next:
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